Author: Terri Arnold, MS (Spicy Grandma)- ArnoldSwarzenegger.com
When starting a new relationship, many women (and men as well) tend to overlook some behaviors in their new partner that do not bode well for the future. Then, down the road, comes the exclamation 'If I had only known...'. As a Psychotherapist who has worked with mostly women and a few men in the field of Domestic Violence, during counseling sessions we can always trace back unpleasant and also dangerous character traits to the very start of the relationship.
Here are some 'Red Flags' to watch out for in a new partner.
1) He makes decisions about where to go with little or no input from you.
2) He belittles your opinion when the two of you are alone and may call you names.
3) He makes disparaging remarks about you in front of others and may talk about you as if you were not there.
4) He may be rough during love-making and make you engage in acts you do not like.
5) He does not want to spend time with your friends or family and insists you socialize with his people.
6) He will not acknowledge your areas of expertise and may put down what you do in the workplace - ignore any of your accomplishments.
7) He may openly flirt with other women and then accuse you of being jealous when you object.
8) He gets angry and loses his temper over trivialities. Stays angry for a long time and attempts to blame all arguments on you.
9) May hit walls when angry.
10) One of the main factors is that he comes on very strong in the beginning of your relationship - sweeps you off your feet - and wants an exclusive relationship too quickly. Many women feel flattered at the intensity of the man's seeming need for an immediate connection and consequently overlook the inappropriateness of it.
*This should not be confused with 'love at first sight' where one or both parties feel an instant connection - without any of the aforementioned behaviors.*
There are many other factors that could be listed - but if the man in your life begins displaying the above qualities - realize it will not get better, only worse. He will likely be unwilling to discuss his emotions openly and feel that women are the inferior sex.
If this describes your man, run - do not walk - out of his life. The next step will likely be physical abuse.
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About the author: Terri Arnold, MS (Spicy Grandma) has been a Psychotherapist for over twenty years. She has owned and operated a brick and mortar dating service and has also counseled female victims of domestic violence, helping them to regain their self esteem and lead happy and productive lives. She now invites you to visit her friendly, interactive and informative 50+ dating community at http://www.spicy-senior-singles.com.
The 10 Best Dating Tips from Bartenders
Cosmopolitan.com/msn.com
The people serving drinks have seen it all when it comes to pickups and hookups — from cheesy one-liners to sneaky come-hither moves. Cosmo got drink-slingers from some of the hippest bars in the country to spill what they've learned about dating.
1. The Fail-Proof Way to Meet a New Guy
"It's a gutsy move, but if you go to a bar alone, you're guaranteed to get hit on all night."
— Lauren, 11th Street Bar in New York City
2. The Reason You Need Two Wing Women
"You don't want to come in with a huge group of girls, but you need to bring more than one friend. When there are just two, it's really hard for a guy to strike up a conversation with one girl without making her friend feel abandoned."
— Paul, Clem's in Brooklyn, New York
3. The Sexiest Drink You Can Order
"Skip the Long Island Iced Tea and Appletinis. Walk into a bar and order yourself a nice bourbon like Knob Creek on the rocks or a local brew and guys will respect you more."
— Lauren, 11th Street Bar in New York City
4. The Move That Works Every Time
"It doesn't always work when a guy buys a drink for girl, but whenever a girl sends a drink over to a guy, believe me, they always leave together."
— Linda, 437 Rush in Chicago
5. How to Get Your Bartender to Play Matchmaker
"Tip the bartender well and he may be able to hook you up. I've been known to slide over a free shot to help a guy get the girl, and vice versa."
— Brian, Saba Blue Water Café in Austin, Texas
6. The M.O. You Must Have
"The best way make sure you'll have an amazing time is to head to a spot that's totally your scene, so you won't seem bored or feel out of place. If you're in the market for meeting a guy, stick to a quieter, more laid-back bar."
— Dacia, Momo's in Austin, Texas
7. How to Let a Guy Know You're into Him
"A little eye contact works wonders. Try this move: Look up, smile, then look down coquettishly. It'll get his attention, and he'll know you won't blow him off."
— Linda, 437 Rush in Chicago
8. How to Seem Approachable
"Talk to the bartender. You'll seem friendly, and it's much easier for a guy to jump in on a conversation you've got going than to approach you on his own."
—Brian, bartender at Saba Blue Water Café in Austin, Texas
9. The Worst Pickup Line Ever!
"When a guy uses a horrible line, like, 'You look like my mother,' get him to back off by being totally direct and saying, 'I'm not interested.' Otherwise he'll interpret a sugar-coated rejection as a mixed message."
—Dacia, Momo's in Austin, Texas
10. The Way to Let Him Know You Want His Number
"Blunt honesty. Just be straight up and say, 'You should call me sometime.' By the end of the night most of us guys are normally too buzzed to catch subtlety."
— Paul, Clem's in Brooklyn, New York
The Clairvoyant Between Your Legs
By: Pink Wrangler - DivineCaroline.com
This goes under the category of, “What is happening to sex?”
Having recently read a curious post on the blog, “Why Women Hate Men,” I have decided to take on the topic of the clitoris, oral sex, and some men’s obtuseness as it concerns this prized activity technically known as cunnilingus (a name that I once gave a puppy and sadly, it stuck).
The post lacerated a nineteen-year-old guy in Las Vegas for writing a personal ad promising to bring delight to all whom responded to his free offer for unparalleled oral sex (his assessment). There was only one exception—“smelly ugly girls” need not apply. Ah, a man of such discernment.
Now as seasoned, sexy women, we immediately write this impish knave off as the tongue-stud asshole he truly is. While at the same time taking pause to consider: is the state of oral sex so bad out there, that some jerk thinks this is the only advertising claim he need make? One clit-licking offer, and boom, he’s The Tongue Man of the century?
Hardly.
In my experience, men fall into four buckets when it comes to oral sex. Bucket One: They just don’t go “downtown.” In fact it’s “repulsive” to them. Could be a cultural thing. Could be they’re not into women. Could be I really don’t care.
Bucket Two: Includes the guys who will do it when you push their head in that general direction. Usually this is after you’ve given them a blowjob and now you’re exercising the obligation guilt. They don’t hate it but they’re not crazy about it either. Usually, they’re just lazy.
Bucket Three: Is for the guys, the blessed few, who start with oral sex, really enjoy it, get you off every time and leave you thinking, is he actually a she?
Then there’s the last bucket requiring some explanation as I stumbled upon it only recently while supine one evening.
Have you ever been with a guy whom you thought was so incredibly sexy that you wanted to make love forever? He’s got all the right moves, says all the right things, and when he kisses you, well, pardon my clichés, but it’s like two worlds colliding with stars exploding as you take a trip to the moon.
Except for one little problem. When it comes to oral sex, you just can’t come. And it’s not because he’s doing anything wrong. It’s just that he doesn’t realize the clit is connected to body, which is connected to the being, your being. Which makes the clit a kind of radar, a “clitdar,” so to speak.
Not to get all Tantra on you, but what I’m saying is the clit is another window to your soul. It’s so super-sensitive, so sourced with intuitive power, that it can pick up whether or not a guy is “okay,” as in, safe, “normal,” and trustworthy. If there’s anything amiss, the “clitdar” will sound the siren and shut down the whole operation.
Of course, you have no idea why this is happening. You are blinded by his sexiness. So you think, it’s not him, it’s me! You pull out your mega-vibrator, about the size of a jackhammer, to complete the job. But trust me, eventually the truth will out itself. You will find the pea below the mattresses. And when you do, you’ll realize the “clitdar” was right. The “clitdar” is always right. At which point, you must step away from the jackhammer and probably him, too.
Girl Talk: Cosmopolitan Was The Best And Worst Thing to Happen To My Sex Life
Posted by: Anna Clark - TheFrisky.com
I’m of the last generation to learn about sex without the help of the internet. While I was spared the misinformation my pre-teen mind would’ve encountered in her furtive Google searches, I also missed out on the comprehensive dialogue that today’s young people can access. Which might not be so bad, if I’d had access to any other trustworthy way to learn about sexuality.
Born in 1980 in small town Michigan, I was destined to come of age in a public school that breathed nary a word about birth control or masturbation or pleasure or sexually transmitted diseases. Was it abstinence-only? I can’t vouch for it being so on-a-dotted-line, but it certainly was, in fact: Health class focused on puberty’s effects on our bodies and, later, used a biopic of Karen Carpenter to encourage us not to develop eating disorders. We filled in the names of reproductive organs on a Xeroxed worksheet—most parts, anyway. “Clitoris” didn’t make it on the map.
Back home, my mom made a good faith effort to talk to me about sex. She brought it up abruptly while driving the minivan, and I was so shocked to hear her utter the word “sex” that nothing else registered. She was nervous. She used the expression “planting his seed.” I was confused.
Good thing my mom subscribed to Cosmopolitan — my saving grace. Sort of.
“America’s #1 Women’s Magazine” was full of women who smiled at me from rumpled bedsheets and headlines that blurted words I’d only heard in whispers at the bus stop. Not only did sexuality take primacy in its pages—serving up enough context for a curious kid to figure out the fundamentals—but it also unabashedly validated physical pleasure.
Huddled with Mom’s magazines in my bedroom, Cosmo taught me the words “orgasm” and “clitoris.” How long would it have taken me to understand the basics of my own body without it? Moreover, the women on the pages were positioned as leading characters in their own sexuality: acknowledging it, instigating it, and reveling in it. And while birth control wasn’t named in my sex ed, I could count on Cosmo to normalize it. Always, the magazine urged readers to use a condom every time. If it weren’t for a regular diet of Cosmopolitan, I would’ve grown up scarcely knowing the logistics of a condom, let alone knowing that when I chose to have sex, I’d have an array of contraception options.
I credit Cosmo for introducing me to a host of other fundamentals, from STDs to, well, what my mom meant by seed-planting. No doubt that the magazine is one of the best things to happen to my sex life (coming in not far behind, you know, having sex). But you won’t be surprised that using Cosmo as my primary tool in sex education was a mixed bag. Though it taught me the revolutionary idea that women’s sexual pleasure is important, it served up a rigid picture of what that pleasure looked like.
It began with the woman: she’s white, able-bodied, young, and, of course, totally hetero. The men (always men) she shared her sexuality with were, of course, the same. While Cosmo normalized sexual pleasure, its presentation of “normal” women whose sexuality varied no more than, say, doing it with a “normal” dude on a kitchen table, diminished the diverse possibilities of sexuality, while at the same time rendering an enormous number of people invisible.
When my relationships deepened sexually, I considered myself beyond the reach of Cosmo’s influence. But in truth, it had already got me. I found myself moving the way I thought I should. If it seemed I was taking too long on what Cosmo would call “the Big O,” I faked it. I’d never have named it this way at the time, but I presented myself to my partner in the way a Fun Fearless Female is supposed to look when she’s intimate. Parroting Cosmo’s presentation of sexuality was easier than figuring out what my own body was telling me and being patient through the fumbling of newness and experimentation.
Over time, as I had more experiences to call my own, as I learned to self-articulate, the hold of the Cosmo fantasy fell away—I have my own stories to negate the magazine’s narrative. I’m done feeling ashamed for not-knowing; rather, I’ll understand that sexuality on my own terms doesn’t mean I have to have all the terms hammered out before I begin. Whole-bodied pleasure is intelligent, important and sacred. I welcome it as my guide in the times of attentive experimentation, even in the fumbling, when all things are possible.
Ellie: Trolling Boyfriend is Not Committed
By Ellie - Advice Columnist - TheStar.com
Q: I've been in a six-month long-distance relationship; he calls me his girlfriend and introduced me to his parents. Three months ago, he left his email open and I saw he was on a dating website and messaging girls. He explained he was using it as a backup but, if I were upset, he would stop.
While visiting him two weeks ago, I discovered he was doing it again! It really upset me and I said I wouldn't visit him if he continued. He agreed to cancel his membership. Yet, because I now have access to his email (he doesn't know), I saw he was still using the website.
I can't confess that I look at his emails. We've both said we want a long-term committed relationship but that we need more time to develop it. I think six months is reasonable to know if you want to commit. Is it acceptable for him keep his options open? He doesn't date people; he says he's on the site in case things don't work out. I'm not sure I buy that. I'm not exploring other options while we're apart and I don't think he should, either.
More Upset
A: Six months may be long enough for you but it seems it's not long enough for him to feel committed. That's his right, but you need to speak up about what you cannot accept, instead of playing detective and fuming.
The "backup" excuse is ridiculously illogical, even if he means it. If things don't work out, then he can go online – the list of available women won't have disappeared.
Trolling other profiles is only somewhat different from prowling a bar – eventually, there's bound to be someone appealing enough for him to try making contact.
This isn't about handing him an ultimatum; it's about being honest and clear. Tell him you're ready for a commitment. If he's not ready to give up on "other options," he can have them all – but he can't have you, too.
Q: My friend's husband seems to have developed a not-so-subtle personality change, or else he's starting to vent long pent-up hostility towards me.
Twenty years ago, I suffered a near-fatal health event while at their home. My friend drove me to the hospital and I recovered. Now, her husband repeatedly mentions my almost dying when I visited recently, saying, "It might be interesting if it happened again." He even said it in front of their family and friends.
I strongly suspect he has had a mini-stroke or other health event that would've changed his personality to say inappropriate things. (There was another indication of his personality change several months back.)
I'm concerned; if he has suffered a mini-stroke, perhaps neither his wife nor anyone else has noticed subtle signs. He has otherwise been extremely pleasant and welcoming to me over the years. Do I mention this to my friend, or keep quiet?
Worried
A: You might be returning the favour and saving his life! Whenever someone you know displays a marked personality or behaviour change, there should be no hesitation in recommending a health check. Certain illnesses – including brain tumours – can cause such changes, and the sooner detected, the better.
Avoid scare mongering or appearing as if you're just getting back at the husband for his insensitive remark. Approach the topic with his wife from your perspective of concern. Mention both incidents vs. his normal behaviour; ask for her observations and urge a doctor's appointment, fast.
TIP OF THE DAY
When two people aren't at the same point of commitment, someone has to call, "Time."
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Ellie hosts Outlaw Inlaws on Slice TV. Email ellie@thestar.ca. See www.ellieadvice.com.
How To Calm Your Nerves Before a Date
DatingOnline.org
Learn how to calm your nerves before a date, so you’ll make a good impression and not send the wrong signals to your dating partner. You’re probably getting prepared for a big first date or some kind of important early date, such as the one where the two of you take the next step. In either case, being too nervous to be a good date isn’t going to help. How here’s several methods for calming your nerves.
1. Be Prepared
You’re going to be less nervous if you have less to be nervous about. Be prepared for your date. Spend the time beforehand, so you don’t have to rush at the last minute.
Pick out what you’re going to wear on the date. Clean up and get dressed. Dress nicely and look nicely. It doesn’t matter what you look like, you can always look your best. When you do, you’ll be more confident and less nervous.
Dress nicely and smell nicely. Groom yourself and wear some nice cologne. Do the same for your car, if the car is going to be part of the date. Clean your car and have it smelling clean and fresh.
Also, make sure you have enough money for your date. Have some cash on hand. Make sure your credit card won’t decline. Don’t get into a situation where you have to worry about money and that’s another nerve-wracking part of the date out of the way.
2. Get a Perspective
This person said yes to going on a date with you in the first place, so you’re doing something right. Getting the date is the hard part. As they say, you have to get in the game, before you can win the game. The date is where you lay your card on the table.
If you were asked out, then they want to be with you. If they accepted your invitation, they decided to spend time with you tonight. So keep that in mind and don’t be so nervous.
3. Distract Yourself
Clear your mind by distracting yourself. If you’re nervous and on edge all day, you’ll be fatigued by the time the date comes. Nerves cause adrenaline to flow, causing nervous energy. Adrenaline is great, except it saps your strength after a while. So get the date off your mind and relax for a while.
Read a book or magazine. Watch tv or a movie. Clear your mind with a walk or some other form of exercise. In fact, exercise is probably the best way to burn off excess energy and clear your nerves. Exercising takes your mind off your worries and releases endorphins to the pleasure centers of your brain.
If you do it right, you can get some exercise and watch a movie at the same time. That can be your private time.
4. Take a Warm Bath or Listen to Music
Afterwards, take a warm bath, which relaxes your muscles. This kind of relaxation is soothing and purifies your skin.
If warm baths aren’t your thing, listening to music is a good way to get your mind off worries and relax. Music is a series of soundwaves which bounce off your body (including your ear drum), so music tends to have a relaxing quality that we underestimate, because we don’t realize the sounds hit more than our ears. In many ways, listening to music relaxes our muscles like taking a hot bath does.
Combine the two. Better yet, listen to music once you’re out of the bath and it will reinforce the relaxation.
5. Go Over Your Plans
This dovetails with “Be Prepared”. One way to get your mind set for the night is to review your plans. This helps you tweak the date and make it better, while taking your mind off of the abstract notion of impressive this person.
6. Don’t Fear Gaffs – Have a Sense of Humor
Everyone who has ever lived has gaffs. The perfect date is a Hollywood invention. You’re going to say something or do something that he or she doesn’t entirely like, enjoy or agree with. That’s okay, though. People like a challenge and, if you agree on everything, that’s does not make for much of a challenge.
One way Hollywood gets it right is that a good sense of humor can wipe away gaffs. If you have a gaff, have a good sense of humor about it. Make a joke, laugh it off and then move on. Don’t dwell on your failures. Don’t call undo attention to them. Don’t let it derail the evening. Show you’re cool by showing you have the confidence to let your mistakes pass with a smile, a word and maybe a chuckle. Then go about enjoying your date.
In fact, while I wouldn’t suggest planning one, look at gaffs as an opportunity to show off your sense of humor and your confidence.
It doesn’t help to have a few laughs while you’re waiting for the date. Once again, laughing is a great cure for nervousness and insecurities. Humor will be a big weapon in your arsenal. It will show you have no fear of looking foolish or standing out. So learn how to calm your nerves before a date by being prepared, having a perspective and a sense of humor about this whole “dating thing”. Those three things are called being confident.
10 Super Silly Sex Tips From Cosmo
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry - TheFrisky.com
I admire Cosmopolitan‘s determination. I do. Each and every month they try and find brand-new ways to pleasure your man—and while they do manage to come up with some sexual innovations, most of them are nothing new. And those that are? Well, they’re typically spectacularly bad or bizarre. Remember when they suggested tying back your hair with your thong before giving him a blowie? Or when they tried to make grape handjobs happen?
In the February issue, Cosmo has 99 quick and easy ways to spice up things in the sack and, I admit, a few impressed me. Like #54: “During missionary sex, place your feet on his chest with your legs crossed to create an extra snug grip.” I am going to try this and will report back. But, as usual, many of the tips were just plain WTF. After the jump, 10 sex tips from Cosmo that are so silly, I suggest you ignore them.
1.(#5) While he’s kissing you, suck on his tongue seductively, imitating what you do to his penis.
2.(#9) Ask him over for dessert. Lie naked with a few pieces of chocolate on you that he can nibble off.
3.(#24) Stay silent until you’re about to orgasm ... then let yourself go. Your animalistic noises will drive him wild.
4.(#50) Place one hand at the base of his shaft, and twist the tip with the other—like you’re opening a jar.
5.(#55) Lightly wrap a cheap beaded necklace around his package, and then move it back and forth.
6.(#57) Hold some sparkling water in your mouth while giving him oral. The bubbles plus warmth will make him quiver.
7.(#69) Keep on a blingy necklace during sex. It’ll draw extra attention to your girls.
8.(#72) Have him place a finger inside you, and put one of yours in too. Doing it together feels totally erotic.
9.(#73) Wear a leather belt around your naked waist during doggie-style. He can pull on it to create more bounce.
10.(#88) Hop in the shower with him while wearing nothing but a white tee.
Honorable Mention:
#70 Before he becomes hard (and gets too big), take his whole penis in your mouth. [This one just grossed me out, as I do not like the feelings of a flacid ween in my mouth, but to each their own.—Editor]
FoxSexpert: Oh, Doctor! Why 'Save Me Sex' Is So Darn Hot
By Yvonne Fulbright - FoxNews.com
Seems like “playing doctor” never gets old. Neither does role-playing the firefighter who saves your life, the nurse who tends to a soldier’s wounds, and the police officer who rescues the “kidnapping” victim.
What is it about the “save me” theme that turns people on?
I once had a partner who was not only a pilot, but a former paramedic, firefighter and soon-to-be doctor. Talk about having your fantasies rolled into one! Needless to say, I was quite the envy of my friends on this one. People know the potential such job titles – real or feigned — hold for better sex.
Prince-on-a-white-horse sexual fantasies have endured the centuries. Novels, soap operas, flicks, and made-for-TV movies have further enamored us with “rescue me” storylines, where the character saving or healing a tragic victim is alluring in an amorous, take-me-now way ...
Most recently, however, we’ve seen people playing up the “woe is me – take care of me” component in these attractive scenarios. In Japan’s legendary fashion neighborhood, Harajuku, a sex fetish called “injured idol” garnered Internet attention.
Called “Kegadoru,” it involves healthy women wrapping bandages around their heads or other body parts to lure men. White bandages supposedly represent an “injured doll” with virginal grace. Black bandages indicate wickedness. Either way, some people find the look and the sex it promises enticing.
It would seem like an isolated “trend” if it weren’t for the popularity of “doctor” scenarios, in particular, or sex play. In these role-playing scenarios, lovers concoct a situation needing medical or clinical attention. In making the fantasy feel more real, efforts typically include medical uniforms and equipment, like seduction restraints.
Depending on your fancy, any intimate examination goes, with select online sex toy shops selling you everything needed for an up close and personal – safe and consensual – “check-up.”
Ranging from tame to hardcore, these medical scenes and toys, as they’re called, have been making headlines in publications ranging from The New Yorker to Penthouse, and in productions like Playboy’s Sexcetera. In her video “Teary Eyed,” Missy Elliot got in on the medical kink, donning a straitjacket along with her dancers.
So what is it about any of these “save me” sexual situations that gets us in the mood? Whether rescue me, examine me, or take care of me, these role-playing fantasies are sought out because...
They allow for hot spot play.
Caught up in their roles, lovers are given the perfect excuse to check out often taboo areas of the body or explore them as never before. How can he refuse the prostate “exam” from his hot-to-trot doctor? How can she not bend over to make sure that everything is A-OK down there?
They make you the focus of attention.
The firefighter, nurse practitioner or police officer is all about the individual in supposed distress. All the hero or heroine wants to do is make you feel better, and at any cost. Nothing else and no one else exists besides the one in need. Such an ego stroke is hard to resist.
They play up power dynamics.
Sometimes you like to be in charge. Other times you like to be dominated. These sexual role plays enable partners to take on either role and really get into calling the shots or telling you what to do and how to do it. Some people love that -- and either way, it’s super hot!
They tease to no end.
While sex can happen at some point, it’s the drama and the promise of more action that are the main events. Creating the story makes for most of the fun, including torturing the victim’s or patient’s erogenous zones or desire in wanting something more.
They are the unacceptable.
In fantasy land, your wildest dreams come true. Here you can ravage that bombshell nurse. Here you can beg the paramedic to do a whole lot more than save your life. Your dirtiest, nastiest, most salacious thoughts are now yours for the making.
They make you feel taken care of and needed.
No matter what your role, these fantasies tug at basic human emotional needs. We all want to be wanted. We like to know that we have somebody to rely upon through good and bad. The scenario being sexual is simply a bonus.
Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright is a sex educator, relationship expert, columnist and founder of Sexuality Source Inc. She is the author of several books including, "Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots."
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The Stupidest Sex Studies of 2009
By Dr. Smartass - eSarcasm.com
Men don’t like wearing condoms. Drunk girls are more likely to put out. Thank God scientists reached groundbreaking conclusions like these during the months of 2009.
Sex studies, my friends, are familiar terrain to regular readers of my weekly ramblings. Whether it’s the science behind breasts and personalities or the truth about Internet porn norms, we’ve tackled more than our fair share of coitus-centric content here over the past year.
Not all sex studies, however, are created equal. Some are silly enough to make even your dear virtual doc’s noggin go flaccid in astonishment.
To start the New Year off with a bang, so to speak, I’ve rounded up the stupidest sex studies of 2009. Here’s hoping scientists manage to erect some more significant conclusions in the coming months.
1. Girls who upload slutty pictures of themselves are more likely to be approached sexually.
Yes, my good disciples, those hips really do not lie. A study from the University of Cincinnati reached the shocking conclusion that women who show off their goods are not only more likely to be propositioned by men — they’re also more likely to respond to said advances. They might even be willing to engage in some form of intercoursial activities with their suitors.
Ladies, don’t feel left out: A separate study discovered that online doctors who upload photos of themselves in white lab coats are also willing to rock your world. (My e-mail addy’s at the top of the page.)
2. Cheap drinks + college students = more drinking. More drinking = more sex.
You can thank the gang at the Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research journal for this one. Apparently, college students drink more when drinks are cheap. And when the students drink more, they engage in more sexual activities. Who knew?
Ah, the memories of college. These days, your dear Dr. S tends to simply flash open his white coat when he’s had too much to drink. And let’s just say that the pants disappear somewhere around the second Tom Collins.
3. The more drinks you pound down, the more likely you are to go down.
Another alcohol-related winner tells us that the odds of getting or giving oral sex increase with the more you drink. From the Psychology of Addictive Behaviors journal:
“Consuming more drinks on a given day was associated with a greater likelihood of oral sex and with experiencing more positive consequences of sex that day.”
We at the eSarcasm Scientific Labs are working to commission our own independent study on the matter. So far, however, no women have signed up.
4. Men don’t like wearing condoms. The reason may seem rather obvious, but this scientific phenomenon is actually still under investigation. The U.S. government is currently funding a $423,000 study to figure out why guys don’t want to wear rubbers while riding.
As we stated back when word first broke of this ridiculous research, the next logical step will be a $1.2 million study into why men enjoying receiving blowjobs.
5. Men are more interested in casual sex than women.
Not only that, but they’re also far less choosy when it comes to selecting a partner for a one-night-stand. The top-notch team from Brunel University came to this startling conclusion after surveying hundreds of male and female students.
I heard two of the guys even managed to have sex with the survey before turning it in.
Remember:
Sex is a game that’s designed for two.
And drinking can help make her want to screw you.
On paper she may try to claim that she’s chaste.
But the truth will come out when she gets shit-faced.
Until next time,
Dr. Smartass
Should I Wreck Her Relationship?
Posted by Meredith Goldstein - Boston.com
Good morning.
Q: Hi Meredith!
I'm a big fan of your column! Been a faithful reader for quite some time now, so when I came into my “situation” I knew you and your followers were up for the task, so here goes...
I have been on a dating rampage for the past two years. I was in a long-term relationship that ended badly, and since then I have dated everyone in New England, at least it feels like that sometimes. Granted, towards the beginning of this dating charade, I admit I was not ready to be out in the general dating pool and it was more about getting over the ex. For the past year or so though I believe I turned a corner and began to be more comfortable. My dating history seems to fall into two categories, either it's a first date that doesn't turn into a second date (and I have had more of these than I can count), or it's a 2 month relationship that usually ends around the time she says something like, "I'm not looking for a commitment, I just want to know we are going somewhere..." Coincidentally, this seems to be the time I realize I'm not in it for the long haul.
That's the history. Now here's the situation. I am not a homewrecker, I don't want to be a homewrecker. But, I find myself in a position to pursue the homewrecking business.
I started a new job, and I met someone amazing at the job. She is amazing and different in all the ways my other dating escapades fell short. I get excited whenever I see her. She and I seem to have very little in common, but I am utterly comfortable when I'm with her. Everything she says fascinates me, I am totally engrossed in conversation with her, she has had life experiences I know nothing of, and I find myself longing for more. We are spending time alone together, doing date type things without calling them dates. We talk on the phone and talk on AIM late into the night. We text during the day. She has said things like, "your timing is terrible" and "where were you a few months ago?" She has made it clear that she has similar feelings, but has also made it clear that she has a boyfriend. I have told her that I respect what she has going on, and she appreciates that. Yet the communication continues.
I don't want to be an emotional affair. I want more. I also don't want to be responsible for ruining a perfectly good relationship. I am mixed. She is an adult who can make her own decisions, so part of me thinks if she is putting herself out there, it's for a reason. While part of me thinks the right thing to do is to back off and let them work it out. Plenty of great relationships have started from similar circumstances. My dad's advice...."no ring, no worries...just watch your back jack."
Thoughts?
Thanks Meredith!
– To Wreck or Not To Wreck?, Boston
A: TWONTW, your dad is funny.
This woman’s relationship isn’t “perfectly good.” She’s texting you all day and IMing you all night. I throw the red flag on her relationship. Or maybe the yellow flag.
The most important thing about your letter is that you’re asking us whether you can pursue this relationship, despite the boyfriend. You seem concerned about the ethics involved in communication with her, and that's good, but I’d worry more about yourself. I’m concerned that you’re giving a lot of positive attention to someone who can’t reciprocate. I’m worried that this is all going to be for nothing.
My advice is to back off and to make sure you tell her why you’re backing off. Tell her that you want to date her (she already knows, but make it clear) and explain that you feel weird about having such an ambiguous friendship with someone who is committed to someone else. Maybe the loss of your attention will help her evaluate her current relationship – including whatever it lacks.
To be clear – my advice to back off is about your self-preservation, not the ethics of the whole thing. You’ve been respecting her boundaries. Now you need to set some of your own.
And regardless of what happens, don’t feel weird about dating so much. When we date for quantity, we wind up with a lost of first dates and two-month relationships. I’d be more concerned if you were with these people for eight months. You’re just dating. Sometimes it’s like that.
Good luck. Watch your back.
Readers? Should he back off or continue getting to know her? Is he wrecking the relationship or wrecking himself?
– Meredith
The Sexual Manifesto: A Frivolous Appreciation Of Boobs
by Christine Borden - SFAppeal.com
Boobs are so amazing that even gay men can't help but ogle a pair and give them a friendly squeeze. Yes, this is a why-boobs-are-so-cool column. Why? Because I have boobs, I love boobs, and I feel sorry for those who do not have reasonable access to them.
Of course, not everyone spends most of their days thinking about breasts. For some women, fondling is a requisite activity...for their partners' benefit. Some women wonder why men love their globular mounds of fat so much. I tell you they've already answered their own question. Fat is delicious (despite our society's current vendetta against it).
Some groups--like breastfeeding advocates and topfreedom activists--lobby for the desexualization of breasts. Sure, boobs may not be essentially sexual, but you know there's got to be some Freudian explanation to all of this, ahem, titillation.
"No one," Sigmund Freud wrote in his Infantile Sexuality essay, "who has seen a baby sinking back satiated from the breast and falling asleep with flushed cheeks and a blissful smile can escape the reflection that this picture persists as a prototype of the expression of sexual satisfaction in later life."
In other words, the mother figure (and her bosoms) teaches the child how to love and, yes, how to seek a sexual connection. Breastfeeding, Freud argued, is the first form of intercourse we experience. Does that mean that bottle-fed babies lack a healthy appreciation for boobs? Not necessarily, but you've got to admit that Freud has a point with the whole nourishment/pleasure thing. We're taught to consume breasts, starting with nursing and then painfully progressing to clandestinely checking out an ample rack.
For a lucky few, boobs provide more than just double takes. The numbers differ on this one, but it's possible for a small percentage of women to orgasm from breast stimulation. I repeat, you can make your lady friend come from JUST TOUCHING HER BOOBS.
Even if you've never experienced or induced a boob orgasm, the consensus is that boobs are fun. We're all human here, and we really can't resist something so squeezable, jiggly, wobbly, firm and yet soft, warm, and tender. So you can take the Freudian analysis if you want, but I'd be willing to bet that most adults are not thinking about their own mothers when they've got boobs on the mind. Or on their hands. Or in their mouths.
The Sexual Manifesto is Christine Borden's weekly column on sex in the city, sex and culture, and, well, sex. Got a tip for Christine (and it's not in your pants)? Email her at christine@sfappeal.com
8 Things You Didn't Know About Staying in Love
By Leslie Heilbrunn - Cosmo/msn.com
Head over heels in love? These eight tips can help your relationship grow and deepen over time.
Navigating a relationship can sometimes feel like driving to an unknown destination without a GPS: perplexing, frustrating, and even scary. And while you don't want to take the mystery out of your romantic life entirely (after all, occasional surprises keep things hot and spicy), learning important facts about what makes unions tick (and tank) can help you avoid trouble. Experts analyzed recent dating trends to define a whole new set of relationship rules to guide you along. Some of them may indicate that your romance is on rocky ground, while others can prove it's totally rock solid.
1. Spending time apart strengthens your bond.
Sure, it's important to hang out with your guy. But experts now know that it's almost as important not to hang out with him every so often. "When you take time away from each other, it gives you both the opportunity to collect new thoughts, new stories, and new ideas to share," says Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D., dating coach for Coupling Connection. But the benefits extend beyond having novel tidbits of conversation. "When you're with someone in the moment, you're not really spending time thinking about them," says Debbie Magids, Ph.D., coauthor of All the Good Ones Aren't Taken. "When you're distanced, you really think about the person and yearn for them, and you look forward to seeing them again."
2. Your inkling that something is wrong in the relationship is probably right.
By nature of being a woman, you have a keen intuition, so you'll feel any kind of distancing on a visceral level pretty quickly. And unless you're an overly suspicious or insecure person — you know who you are! — you should always trust your gut. Example: He's incommunicado. Before the days of e-mailing, texting, IMing, and Facebooking, if you didn't hear from your boyfriend for a day or two, it wasn't the end of the world (or your relationship). But now that communication is so easy and instant, it's usually a sign he's not fully invested.
"When a guy wants to break up, he'll often start to create space," says Oikle. In other words, he'll stop calling quite as much, it will take him a bit longer to return your texts or e-mails, and he'll sometimes be "too busy" to hang out. "For the record, if a guy is into you, he'll never be too busy," says Paul Coleman, Psy.D., author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Intimacy.
If the pattern continues, confront your man about his behavior in a direct yet nonaccusatory way, saying something like "You haven't called me, and I'm thinking that means you're having second thoughts about us." If he doesn't give you a clear answer, well, let's just say he's giving you a clear answer.
3. If a man has a history of cheating on his girlfriends, he'll probably cheat on you too.
Sometimes a guy cheats on his partner because there is an emotional or sexual void in the relationship. But more often than not, philandering is indicative of something wrong with him. According to Jay Carter, Psy.D., author of Nasty Men, many guys two-time because they love the thrill of the chase, they need to feed their ego, or they have a hard time turning down sex when the opportunity presents itself.
All those factors contribute to serial straying, "which is why men who cheat once usually cheat again," says Oikle. (A recent MSNBC.com survey found that men are twice as likely as women are to cheat more than once.) So if your guy cheated on his last girlfriend with you, don't necessarily write it off as an isolated incident and assume he won't have his cake and eat it too again.
4. He wants to think he's taking care of you.
Despite the fact that many women are outpacing men on the college level and in the workplace, "lots of guys still derive their feelings of masculinity and self-worth by being of value to the person they love," says Allen Berger, Ph.D., author of Love Secrets Revealed. "And they feel most valuable when they're doing things for that person." So even though you're an independent chic who can support herself, it may benefit your relationship if you step back once in a while and let him step up — even if it's just to do something as simple as pay for dinner. Think of it this way: Letting him care for you shows you care for him.
5. If a guy tells you that he's not ready for a relationship, take his word for it.
Believe it or not, men really hate to disappoint women. So if he's "gotten up the guts to actually cross the threshold and tell you that he's not ready for a relationship, he means business," says Oikle. There could be a variety of explanations for his antirelationship position (he has commitment issues, he wants to hook up with other people, he doesn't see you as girlfriend material), but in the end, the result is the same: He's doesn't desire to be your boyfriend. End of story.
And no, he won't change his mind when he gets to know you a little better. "Once a guy decides how he sees a girl in his life, it's hard to break out of that thinking," says Coleman. Warning: If you stick around after he's told you this, he will likely take it as a sign that you're cool with the casual, nonexclusive nature of your relationship. So make sure you are.
6. Sex can get better as a relationship progresses.
People used to think settling down meant saying sayonara to sex ... or at least fantastic sex. But research has found that young married couples are more satisfied with their sex lives than their single counterparts are. Here's why: "For roughly the first 6 to 18 months of a relationship, sex is running mostly on testosterone and dopamine, which means you are very aroused and want to have sex all the time with this person," explains sex therapist Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., author of Men in Bed. After that point, sex does change — often becoming even better. Because you've gotten to know and trust each other, the act becomes substantially more intimate and erotic.
Familiarity definitely has its perks. Couples who have been together for a long time have probably learned how to please each other and are more comfortable sharing their fantasies and desires and trying out new positions to keep things hot. And foreplay — often bypassed during the early days of hurried, rip-your-clothes-off-and-go-straight-to-intercourse sessions — becomes a major focus.
7. You won't regret breaking up with a guy you're feeling unsure about.
Nowadays, women may be impulsive about sleeping with guys but not dumping them. "In fact, a lot of women will try really hard to fit a square peg into a round hole because they want the relationship to work so badly," explains Magids. "It's only after a tremendous amount of thought and effort that they finally give up on it."
In part, women go through that painstaking process because they fear they'll end up kicking themselves for ending a relationship too soon. But a new study from Northwestern University found that even in the short term, people aren't as upset as they thought they'd be after a breakup. So if you sense you're with the wrong person, don't fret so much about walking away to find a better match.
8. You will always be the one to initiate a relationship talk.
Unlike women, who are conditioned to take the pulse of a relationship from time to time, men don't contemplate the state of your union until something's wrong. And even then, they want to work it out in their mind, whereas women want to talk it out.
When you go to initiate a relationship talk, bear in mind that men are uncomfortable with the unknown and paranoid that you'll end up in tears. So don't ambush him or it'll feel to him like going to the principal's office or being pulled over by a cop: surprising and nerve-racking, says Coleman.
To put him at ease, try what Oikle calls a compliment sandwich: Start with something positive, work in the concern, and end with something positive. For example, if you're trying to gauge if a new guy sees your relationship as serious, say "I really like you a lot. Are you thinking this is a long-term thing? We've been having so much fun that I hope you do!" That will be much easier for him to digest than "Hey, am I your girlfriend or what?" Or if you want to broach the subject of moving in with a dude you've been dating for a while, try "I think we have an amazing relationship, and I'm ready to take the next step and move in together. Think of how much fun we'd have living under the same roof!"
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