Dating Tips, Relationship Advice and Sexuality!: Dating, Relationships and Sex!

The Number One Way to Stop Fights Fast
By Lindsey Palmer & Nicole Yorio - Redbook

Next time you and your guy are having it out and he hits you with a ridiculous accusation (like "You never listen!"), take a deep breath before you answer.

Naturally, your instinct is to defend yourself: "I do too listen!" But arguing back this way only escalates the conflict, says David D. Burns, M.D., the author of Feeling Good Together. Instead, try agreeing with his criticism. ("You're right; I've been explaining myself instead of listening. What are you trying to tell me?") "Even if you don't see legitimacy in his words, remember that to him they are true," Burns says. "You can attack the part that seems unfair, or you can try to uncover the meaning behind his criticism so you can stop the problem in its tracks." Validating your partner's feelings defuses his anger — and makes him more likely to lower his defenses and own up to his role in the problem. Here, a few more responses that can cool you both down when things get heated:

He says: "Why do you always have to be right?"
You want to say: "But I am right about this!"
Instead try: "I see that you're trying to make a point too, and I haven't been listening. Let's start over — I want to understand what you're saying."

He says: "You're so stubborn!"
You want to say: "I'm stubborn? You're the stubborn one!"
Instead try: "I guess I've been focusing on my point of view, so you haven't been able to say your piece. Tell me how you see the situation."

He says: "Do you even care how I feel?"
You want to say: "Yes, but..."
Instead try: "Of course I do, and I admit that I haven't been tuned in to how you're feeling lately. I'm sorry."

What Modern Women Want: a Beta Male
The Times Online (UK)

Men are surrendering in the sex war, taking on the supporting role

Kate Mulvey
Last week I went to dinner with an eligible doctor. As we were finishing the main course, I struck up conversation with the owner (Marco) in Italian – I speak five languages. My date nearly choked on his linguini and spent the rest of the date mute. I had committed the worst dating faux pas: I had outshone my suitor.

Yet it would seem I am not the only woman who is wondering whether it is time to hang up her brain and turn into a Stepford Datee. In America research shows successful young women are hiding their accomplishments for fear that their academic achievements and financial kudos will scare off potential suitors.

And it is no different here. Researchers from Aberdeen, Bristol, Edinburgh and Glasgow universities discovered that high-IQ women saw marriage prospects fall dramatically, but men with high IQs had little trouble finding a mate. They found that for each 16-point rise in a woman’s IQ, her marriage prospects declined by 40%, but the man’s chances of marriage increased by 35% with each rise.

The widespread view is that accomplished women are at a disadvantage in the marriage market because men start out by saying they want a strong, powerful woman and then end up running off with the secretary. I should know. A few years ago my Swiss banker found my conversation too arty and cast his attentions on a lovely Spanish girl who worked in his office.

Should women pander to male insecurities? Self-help guides exhort us to flatter the male ego; don’t talk too much and let him make all the jokes if you want him to like you. Well I would rather skewer my eyes out than change my personality.

So what is the answer? Someone has to surrender in the sex war. Should women soften their image if they want to marry an alpha? Since the beginning of time anthropologists have told us women are programmed to seek a mate who can provide for her.

We all witnessed the implosion of the 1980s power couple. As women flexed their shoulder pads all you got were stressed couples who were battling for the same role and trying to find a slot in their diaries for dinner.

But now there is a third way. The second-generation feminists – that is, women in their twenties and thirties – have found a new way to solve the alpha-beta paradox. The 21st century sisters have a terrifyingly clear agenda when it comes to finding a mate. They map out their life plans early: rise to the top of their chosen career, get the smart house, the cute kids and curl up in bed with a loving beta male. The alpha girl doesn’t need Mr Alpha to sweep her off her feet and buy her a condo in town; she has enough money to do that herself. She is successful, confident and she wants a caring man who can pick up some of the domestic slack.

Penelope, 34, a high-earning public relations executive, is married to an actor. They are both comfortable acknowledging that the wife is the chief breadwinner. So it makes sense that it is her career that gets fast-tracked. “John is really irreverent and playful and after I have had people kowtowing to me all day, it is nice to be brought down to earth with a joke.”

Does he mind playing the supporting role? “I love it that my wife is this go-getting career woman. I have never been into status anyway, so I don’t feel emasculated by the fact that she earns way more money than me.”

To better understand this role reversal, we have to look at the key social changes in the past 30 years. Since 1975 the number of women entering the workforce has increased by a third and in 2005 one-third of all managers were women. Women are better educated – there are more women with advanced degrees than before – and there are now more female trainee lawyers and doctors than male ones.

This creates a shift in the way women view marriage. With their increased earning power, women are less hung up on the Jane Austen model of finding a providing husband. “Women can choose a man who has charm and looks, instead of going for the grumpy, ugly alpha just because he is solvent,” says Penelope. So is this a liberating thing?

For young women this shift in economic power has given them new choices. But what about the men? While it is true that many older men seem stuck with the “man as success object, woman as sex object” idea and would never contemplate marrying a ball-breaking alpha earner, men in their twenties and thirties seem to be redefining masculinity.

Having grown up with successful women such as Margaret Thatcher and Madonna as role models, and with popular culture awash with fantasies of all-powerful women, from Lara Croft to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, men are not so uncomfortable with the woman in control. This value system recognises the trend of female supremacy, which while not as yet the norm seems to be pointing the way for future relationships.

Have your say

I practice the beta male relationship and love it. My current boy friend is really my maid. He does all the house work and when I come home from work he is ready to fix me a drink, rub my feet and pamper me. I really believe more and more males are accepting woman as superior and it is about time.

Jade Kim, Seattle,

Wow I wish this had all happened in my generation. (I'm 56). I am a male female supremicist and I have always enjoyed the company of intelligent women. How better off we would be in the United States if we had a woman president by now. No war in Iraq among other things.

John Marc, Philadelphia PA, USA

At scores of 155, associated with genius, there were 5.5 men for every woman. twice as many men at 125 .

when on a date your trying to see if you can make a special connection ,not showing the guy how great you are .

robert, cowes, uk

Customized Girl

Tips For Better Love Making - The Top 5 Erogenous Zones of a Female
eioba.com

If you're floundering in the bedroom and your girlfriend is moaning for all the wrong reasons, these tips will point you in the right direction.

Gentlemen! If you want to get your girl moaning for real instead of faking it, you're going to have to put a bit of work in. Firstly, a male can achieve orgasm within 2 - 3 minutes when stimulated by another partner. Where as a female can take up to 15 minutes to climax.

If you know for a fact that you can't keep going for that long by pure intercourse alone (and lets face it, if you're doing that, you're having sex, not making love) then you are going to have to stimulate her body with foreplay instead.

Now before you panic and freak out, all of this can be done with your tongue and hands. I guarantee you will become a better lover in the bedroom AND you really will give her orgasm after orgasm.

The Top 5 Female Erogenous Zones

The neck

Apart from being sexy and attractive, the female neck is perhaps one of the most sensitive areas of her body. Softly kissing this area from her shoulder to below her ear (while at the same time massaging it with your tongue will send tingles and pulses up and down her spine. Keep at it and she will be breathing heavily in a very short period of time.

The ear lobes

Sucking ear lobes isn't for everyone. Some girls get the tickles when you do it but others simply adore it. While you're there you can whisper sweet nothings in her ear. Close facial contact is what she likes so this is a good way to do it if you're fed up with kissing on the lips. Also massaging her ear lobes with your fingers from time to time can be very soothing.

The nipples

On a par with the neck for sensitivity, the female nipples become hard and sit up right when stimulated with your tongue. Don't forget to give both breasts even attention and also kiss down in between her breasts as you work your way between both of them. If she hasn't grabbed your head by this stage and held it into her bosom, something's badly wrong.

The belly button

Working your way down her body, the belly button is another area you should stimulate before full intercourse. Kissing this area with your lips and tongue will cause vibrations that will vibrate through her reproductive area and begin to stimulate her G spot.

The G Spot

Ah the G spot. This holy grail legend of the female anatomy can be tricky to find. So if the chance arises, ask her if she has already found her G spot and let her point you in the right direction.

As a general guide, most female G spots can be found on the roof of the vagina (that's the side closest to her stomach.). It's about the size and shape of a 2 pence coin and can be found about 4 inches in.

Extreme caution should be taken when stimulating this area with your tongue or fingers as a female can quite literally lose control of her limbs. Don't be surprised if you get kneed in the face or get elbowed as she moans in ecstasy. It should also be noted that not all females have a G spot, so don't be alarmed if you both can't find it. As you have seen there are plenty of other areas of the female body that can be stimulated in the art of love making in order to help her climax.

Doing a combination of all these things will leave her begging for more and you will be a better lover for it. Experimentation is the key to find out what works and what doesn't as everyone is not the same.

As you can see, a true female orgasm involves the stimulation of her whole body and not just simple penetration. Taking the time to show care and attention to her needs will put you so far above any other lovers, she may have had that you may find it tricky escaping from the bed. I know I have ;-)

I hope this article helps your love life get back on track and that you become better and more confident at making love and not just having sex. Above all else, if you want to become a better lover, ask your partner what they like and what they want you to do to them. Not only will you help them get their rocks off quicker, you'll also show that you are thinking about their needs and they in turn will think about yours. This will create a much better experience than if both parties are concentrating on what each can get out of the experience in a very selfish way.

Until next time.

Short note about the author

Jack Crow is a freelance writer and part time webmaster. When he's not building web sites he's checking out new dating sites that appear on the net.

Things You Should Never Do While Making Love
Romantic-Tips

The things you don't do are as important as the ones you do:

--Never answer the phone
--Never glance at your watch
--Never interrupt yourself for a whining pet
--Never leave too little time
--Never say anything negative about your partner's body
--Encourage openmindedness, but never push too far
--Never criticize your partner's technique (do discuss it later)
--Never fake orgasm
--Never criticize your partner in any way
--Never talk about un-sexy topics when making love

Love and lovemaking can be improved and made sweeter and sweeter; the more you do it, the better it becomes...

Intimacy Tips and Love Making Secrets for Couples
By Susie and Otto Collins, RelationshipGold

"Spicing Up Your Love Relationship in 4 Easy Steps"

No matter how long you’ve been in a love relationship, you can always find ways to spice it up. It is indisputable that relationships change all the time and boredom can occur if you keep doing the same “old” thing.

Regardless of the stage of life you are in, you can spice up your love making. Here are 4 easy steps to try…

1. Look at what you want from your love making experience. You may think that you already know what this is, especially if you’ve been in your relationship for many years. However, we recommend that you look with new eyes at what your desires are. Expand your possibilities!

2. Share what you discover about your desires with your lover. It may be something completely new for you to talk about topics other than kids, work, what you want for dinner, or even the weekend’s activities. Be sure you and your lover are alone and away from distractions like the computer or television when having this discussion. Share from your heart without blame or judgment. Let your partner know you want a closer, more loving connection with him or her.

3. Be sure to listen to the desires your lover has discovered. Encourage your partner to share this with you. Keep your heart open and let go of judgment as you listen. This might require practice as possible triggers may come up. Stay in a place of love as you listen so that your lover will know you are open to what he or she is asking for. If you are not open to your partner’s desires, go inside yourself to understand why. Make note of the thoughts that come up for you. If you are open to your partner’s desires, try them out!

4. Give yourself and your environment a makeover. As a couple, create a beautiful loving space for your love making. This may mean rearranging furniture in your bedroom or other intimate spaces—lessening clutter is a great start! Playing sensual music can spark passion for both of you as well. Let that old bathrobe or sweatpants stay in the closet. Instead, choose what you wear—or don’t wear—with passion in mind. Treat your intimate time as sacred because it is.

These 4 easy steps can help take you to a more passionate, alive and connected love relationship. Go for it as you learn new skills, polish old ones and open your heart!

***********************************

Susie and Otto Collins are Relationship Coaches and authors who are passionate about helping people create lives that are filled with more passion, love and connection. For more tips on rekindling passion in your love relationship, visit http://www.RedHotLoveRelationships.com

Wedding Night Love Tips
HenWed.com

You know him already for a long time; or maybe you've already lived together couple of years. But still everybody makes such a big deal about the wedding night that you start to feel worried that yours will not be so special after all. Don't panic! Here are 10 rules that will help you and your partner make the best of it.

Rule no 1. Talk to your partner and find out what kind of night they have in mind.

Rule no 2. Definitely book a new location for this event. No matter how large or small your wedding is, don't just go home for the wedding night. Book a room to an exquisite hotel for example. Both of you will like better a new ambient. And a professional room service will just add a note of spoiling.

Rule no 3. Think of something new. Maybe read some books, see some films – advice from experts will do you good.

Rule no 4. Don't make love with each other couple of weeks before the wedding. And if possible, the week before the wedding don't live together (one of you can go to his/hers parents' house, a friend).

Rule no 5. Wear something special. The white virginal bride lingerie is always sexy; or you can try something else if you feel in the mood. But make sure it is something that he will like and you don't usually wear it. Also the groom can take a pick to the Chippendales Boys for some tips.

Rule no 6. Create a special decor for this special night (candles, flowers, balloons) no matter if you go to a hotel or not. Make your family and friends understand that you need time just for the two of you. They will tease you a bit, but they won't mind.

Rule no 7. Take it slowly. Don't rush things! Make it like it is your first love night. After all, it is your first as a married couple.

Rule no 8. Don't forget to flirt with each other during the wedding. Compliment one another. Don't take care only that the family and friends have a good time at your wedding. Take care of yourself and your good mood too. Exchange kisses, looks and occasional touches. That will create a mood for the night.

Rule no 9. Most importantly: lower your expectations. Both of you are tired. Organizing and attending a wedding is no piece of cake. Just enjoy the moment and stay in each others arms if you are too tired for something else. After all, you will have your whole life together.

Rule no 10. Extend the wedding night to a wedding morning. After couple of hours sleep you will definitely feel in the mood to make love to the one that is now your wife/husband.

Introduce Her To Your Kinky Side
By David Strovny - AskMen.com

So you like wearing a thong when you go to dinner? Or being tied up and spanked? Well, you’re certainly not alone. The trouble is, in our oh-so-modern sexual era (not!) bringing up fetishes and kinky pastimes with your new lover may not go down too well. At best, she will grin seductively and reveal that she too loves to do those things. At worst, she will think you are a pervy-weirdo creep and unsure if she should see you again. If the former happens, well that’s great. The latter? Read on friend. I don’t want you or your new girl getting your pink frillys in a twist.

women like kinky sex
Even the most prudish woman can be connivingly convinced to partake in the most lascivious and lewd sex acts. Don’t believe me? It’s entirely possible. Despite rumors, more often than not, women are actually deviant sex goddesses waiting to be released from their good-girl prisons. The main factor when introducing new games to the bedroom is preparation; there should be very few surprises. This means -- oh yes, you guessed it -- lots of talking… preferably before you leap into bed.

Timing is not everything, but rates highly. Educating her is paramount. Making it seem like her idea in the first place is simple genius… if you can pull it off.

Introducing spanking, biting and hair pulling
Kink factor: 2 out of 5

These are such childish behaviors, but they can add an uninhibited layer to good sex. The good thing about these is that you don’t really have to talk about them too much before you do them. You can test the waters as you go along, but always keep it light. There are very few preconceived ideas about spanking, biting and hair pulling.

How to introduce it: These things are best done during a very passionate sexual encounter. Go with the flow and use your common sense -- tread deliberately and carefully. Wild abandon usually equals pain.

Spanking: The problem with spanking is it gets better the more you do it, and the first couple can sting quite badly. Let her spank you back. Have a good spanking session, laugh your heads off and spank each other silly. The eroticism will come later. Don’t spank every session unless requested.

Biting: The success of your nibbles relies heavily on pressure, timing and frequency. Keep it light, only do it while in the absolute throes of passion, and don’t do it often. If you want her to bite you, instruct her on the art -- she is unlikely to just know how you like it. Don’t ever bite breasts or vaginas unless expressly asked to. Leaving marks is not desirable.

Hair pulling: If you want to pull her hair, do it gently. If you want her to pull yours, then just asking nicely should yield results. There are loads of pressure points in the scalp that makes hair pulling quite a sensuous activity when done properly. Don’t yank, and be conscious that her head and neck is attached to that beautiful hair. Hold the hair close to the scalp and in handfuls as opposed to pulling on a ponytail or the ends of longer hair.

Introducing sex toys
Kink factor: 3 out of 5

Men pulling out sex toys? Hang on a sec -- that’s supposed to be the woman’s job. Times are changing, and it is entirely acceptable for a man to declare his longings for sex toys -- even huge cock shaped ones -- to be introduced into the bedroom repertoire. It is great to have a man who isn’t insecure about it. Just be careful when pulling out butt plugs or prostate massagers because she is unlikely to be familiar with these. A vibrating plastic vagina might be on the weird side, and she may not know how to use a cock ring, or have ever seen a French tickler before, but no doubt she will embrace them with enthusiasm once given a quick lesson. But what if she doesn’t?

There is a small chance she might think you are weird, in which case, you simply need to educate her so she is no longer afraid of the strange objects you wish to bring into the bedroom. The first step is to talk about it, especially if the toy is not standard issue vibrating material.

How to introduce it: Ask her if you can use a toy on her. Or, next time you are giving her oral pleasure, add it in without her even seeing it. Other toys may need a better explanation, so just take care to explain the purpose of each toy, how it works and what she can expect. She doesn’t want to feel like an uneducated sex toy klutz if she has never used one before.

Introducing light bondage
Kink factor: 3 ½ out of 5

Yes, she has a view on this particular passtime even if she has never ever done it. She might think it is fun and sexy or she might think it is scary and weird. Just so you know, most women view this as sexy, not weird. But whatever her view, make sure you know what it is -- talk. You must always have permission.

How to introduce it: Next time you’re in the throes of passion, hold her wrists above her head or by her sides and tease her with your hands or mouth or a feather. Hold her wrists lightly so that when she tries to wriggle free, she can’t move unless she pushes against you firmly. Tease her some more, and then whisper seductively in her ear: “Can I tie you up and tease you until you have an orgasm/can’t stand it any longer/want me to stop?” Then, do your thing!

Some guidelines: Don’t both be tied up on the same occasion. If you are using rope, hemp is soft and won’t burn. Cotton is good because it’s soft, but fraying may be a problem. Synthetic rope will probably give rope burn, so unless you enjoy the pain, give it a miss. Try pulling out some fluffy handcuffs or a scarf. Save the blindfolding for another day. Keep some blunt ended scissors handy and always check the temperature of tied-up body parts (hands, feet) in case the circulation is being cut off and they need to be released. Never refuse to release someone unless this is part of your sex game. If this is the case, use safe words. Never tie anything around someone’s neck.

Introducing anal sex
Kink factor: 4 out of 5

So you like it in reverse? Good for you. The problem is, she might be scared sh*tless of the idea. This makes your job extra hard: Not only do you have to remove all the old ideas, but you need to replace them with new, convincing ones.

Your first port of call before embarking on an anal adventure is to know your bum business. This does not mean watching anal porn for tips on how to slam her. You need to have a clue what you are doing. Look up instructions on the net.

How to introduce it: When you think you have a clue of how to do it properly, bring it up. A simple “Have you ever had anal sex and enjoyed it?” works. There are only two answers to this question. If the answer’s “yes,” ask if she would she like to do it again. If the answer’s “no,” ask if she would be brave enough to try it with you. Pull out your instructions and educate her. Every woman can enjoy anal sex if it’s done right. The orgasms are different, and can be quite intense. Pull out your instructions. Sell it to her.

What not to do: It is not cool to just try to put it in “by mistake.” This is excruciatingly painful. Always have permission, and never pressure her. The trick is getting her to want it.

Introducing role play
Kink factor: 4 out of 5

You need to be careful with this one, because she may take your fantasy request the wrong way: She may think you are implying she isn’t enough for you. The trick is all in the presentation.

How to introduce it: To increase your chances of success, you need to make it sound like a really fun idea. Talk about it long before you want to do it, but make her role in the play seem exciting and sexy, so she can fully imagine herself dressed up to the nines, behaving like a secretary/princess/prostitute/whatever. You need to appeal to her imagination, so keep it humorous and light-hearted. Once you are fairly sure she is keen, organize it. Chicks love playing dress up!

What not to do: Avoid anything to do with animals, rape or involving other people/people you know. Don’t just pull out a ridiculously small maid outfit and expect her to put it on and polish your family jewels. It is highly possible that she doesn’t want to be dressed as a maid, and that outfit you bought without her input is probably hideous and far too small. Don’t be over keen to play dress up, because you can give her a complex. And yes, wearing her underwear for too long will make her question your sexuality.

coming out about a fetish
A fetish can be a strange thing to observe in somebody, and even stranger to observe in yourself. For those without a fetish, it is very hard to understand what it’s like to be aroused by an inanimate object that normally isn’t associated with sex. If you have a fetish, denying it is futile. It is a part of who you are. The best thing you can do is to make sure you are totally comfortable with it yourself before sharing it with the person you love, if indeed you choose to share it. Some people keep it to themselves their whole lives, and it seems a shame that something you love so much has to be hidden.

Fear of rejection is high on the list of reasons why not to tell, but if you are in a loving and healthy relationship, surely sharing a part of yourself can only make it stronger? If you are worried about sharing a fetish, you are certainly not alone. Before taking the leap, find a fetish community and talk to others about it and see what they have done, haven’t done or wished they had. Only you can decide if it is the right thing to do.

kink it up
Introducing your new lady friend to your preferred bedroom antics can be nerve wracking. This is with good reason -- she may not react well. Don’t forget that you can get away with just about anything if you approach it in the right way -- discuss it, educate her, keep it light-hearted, and you may just get your wish. Women love to try new things and be kinky minxes, but it takes a little while for her to build up trust and confidence with a new man. The great thing about it is that you are her new man, and she is free to explore her sexuality. Use this newness to your advantage, but don’t forget: Only fools rush in.

Ask Alice
GoAskAlice.com

Golf Course, Not Intercourse!

dear alice,

my husband and I own a 24-hr driving range that is automated for users that may not be able to practice during normal hours when many other driving ranges are closed... recently, on the security monitors we noted that one late nite couple used the driving range for a sexual interlude after their normal golfing practice... although not opposed to the actions of consenting adults... we did find it a bit distasteful that the couple discarded their condoms in the driving range parking lot... we are trying to find some well thought words to use to design a sign that would discourage such future action and not be distasteful to our other customers... perhaps you could help as you seem to have a great way of using phrases and words to impart your answers...

Dear Reader,

No one's ever requested sign language before — names for stores, pets, and babies, yes, but never words of "warning" that might find their way to a sign in the grass or the back of a golf cart. If you end up using any of these, do send a photo for the Go Ask Alice! scrapbook.

Here we go...

Thanks for coming, and don't forget to take your gloves with you!

Close contact with grass may result in hard-to-remove stains.

Drivers, bags, and balls are for golfing only.

Tiger Woods wouldn't stroke his woody, would he?

This facility is monitored 24-hours-a-day by security cameras and is simulcast on public access cable.

Litterbugs get us tee'd off!

Sorry, holes-in-one by fully clothed golfers only.

Winking and driving don't mix.

Keep your putts to yourself!

Get a room!

Par? If these won't work, at least you might take comfort in knowing that your get-it-on golfers are using protection, and that their rubber rubbish might be a trashy reminder to your other customers that condoms can improve one's swing. Additional garbage cans around the lot might help, too.

And who said golf was boring?

Alice

Beach Blanket Boners

Alice,

Please, can you help? My problem is when I'm on a beach and I see females topless, I become erect and have to lie on my stomach. Is there anything I can take to stop this for a couple of hours or so while I am on the beach?

Thank You.

Dear Reader,

For sure, you can take sunscreen with an SPF of 15 or higher and spread it on the back of your body well before you head for the shore. This way, you'll be protected from the sun's harmful rays while we try to figure out how to turn you over without getting you turned on for the world to see.

Similar to the model, virgins, and other readers before you, practical tips on keeping your penis prone are preceded here by a common mantra: sexual arousal while on a beach — nude ones or otherwise — is as natural as erecting a sand castle. Getting excited at the sight of topless and naked beachgoers does not necessarily mean you want to raid their ice chests and fruit baskets. It does signal that you are responding normally to stimuli — maybe remembering this fact will wash away some of your beach-bound anxiety, which can help pump up your erections, too. And, the other sunbathers who might notice that you've brought two umbrella poles instead of one can also keep these physiological facts in mind if your boners get them hot and bothered.

Now, here's that age-old advice for the many in your position who are about to speedo to the seashore or the poolside:

Steer clear of nude and clothing-optional spots, all-be-this a challenging sport in many countries.
If the "problem" pops up on swimsuit-required beaches as well, wear attire that will hold your penis in place and/or hide its hardness: a jock or underwear under swimwear, baggy shorts, a long tee-shirt or tank-top, a towel, etc.

--Listen to music and books to take your mind and eyes off of those around you. Or, prop the book or magazine on top as cover-up.
--Think really hard about "Jaws," crabs, the Lochness Monster, and other tidal turn-offs.
--Release your sexual energy before you leave the house or hotel.
--Flip over onto your stomach.
--Duck for cover (or go for a swim) in the ocean/sea/lake/pond. If the water is cold, your predicament will likely shrink away all by itself.

Have a great time wherever you are, and try to let the sun, surf, and sand take you away from your cares. Let the lifeguards worry about standing at attention!

Alice

Partner is Silent During Sex

Alice,

When I perform oral sex, or real sex, to my boyfriend, I notice that he doesn't make any sounds at all, not even when he ejaculates, but I know that he likes it. He tells his friends that it is rather enjoyable, and I can tell during it, usually from his body motions, but he doesn't make a peep. What does this mean? Is he really not enjoying it?

—no sound from boyfriend

Dear no sound from boyfriend,

Not everyone makes a commotion at climax; it's possible to remain silent while stimulated, including at orgasm time. Although he may not express himself verbally, inside your boyfriend may be panting, moaning, and yelling your name, but keeps his mouth shut for fear of letting anyone within earshot in on what's going down. A lot of us — especially when we're young — are taught that sexual activities — masturbation, oral sex, intercourse, etc. — are best kept secret. This belief remains with many adults long after mom or dad would ever "catch" us in a sex act, but is powerful enough to keep us quiet for a long time. His stillness and apparent lack of reaction could also come from feeling nervous, tense, or uncomfortable with part or all of what's going on. A few more ideas:

Consider what your partner is like during at parties or during conversations. Is he normally on the quieter or more reserved side?

You may try mentioning to him that you wouldn't mind hearing him express his pleasure.

You could also try setting an example for him by expressing your own pleasure (hopefully you have reason to do so).

It's definitely nice to know how your partner is feeling during sex, so how might you turn up the volume on what he thinks about your intimate times? You could ask him and talk about all this together, rather than rely on news updates from his friends. If you approach this subject with him in a calm, supportive way, he might see that it's okay, and even hot and helpful, to talk about this personal stuff with you. Such talk may not produce more audible and observable pleasure, but you might gain insight that makes this alright.

One more thought for now: you mentioned that you might consider oral sex different from "real sex." Although some consider anything other than heterosexual penis-in-vagina-to-orgasm-sex to not be real sex, other types of sex can be just as important, serious, meaningful, commitment making, and/or "risky." And lots of people consider oral, anal, and other sexual activities to be "real" sex as well. Increasing the significance of other types of pleasurable activities in your relationship could make them more enjoyable and worth shaking and shouting about. These are just some considerations that may shed light on your peep-free partner situation and help you to communicate better about both of your needs and desires.

Alice

Can Masturbation or Using a Sex Toy Desensitize the Clitoris? And Would My Partner Prefer Her Sex Toy Over Me?

(1)
Hi Alice,
I heard that masturbation causes desensitization of the clitoris and that after a while, a lady who masturbates a lot will not be able to have an orgasm by normal sexual intercourse. Is that true? And if it is, is there a way to fix that? Thank you.

(2)
hi alice,

my girlfriend and i bought her first sex toy, a 9" dildo for her, and i'm about an average size. my question is i'm worried about it taking over our sex life. the interesting thing is this is something i wanted at first as a fantasy come true, but now i'm wondering if she could be desensitized or want the plus size over me? is this an item i should be concerned with?

Dear Readers,
Good news for all the women who masturbate out there (and the people who love pleasing them) — the idea that frequent and regular masturbation causes desensitization or numbness of the clitoris, preventing women from orgasming during intercourse, is false. In fact, masturbation, with or without the aid of a sex toy, helps women increase their clitoral sensations, improving the quality of their orgasms. Many women masturbate regularly as a healthy part of their lives. Through masturbating, women (and men) can explore their bodies, discovering what feels good to them. Learning what feels good is an important step toward feeling pleasure more regularly. Gaining the information is a step toward teaching a partner how to please you.

Since some incorrectly believe that masturbating or using vibrators desensitizes the clitoris, many women and couples also fear adding vibrators to their sexual repertoire. While some women may experience mild discomfort after long or vigorous use of a vibrator, the effect is only temporary. This can even occur after longer, vibrator-free masturbation sessions or extended periods of oral or vaginal intercourse. Using vibrators also causes no long-term risk of clitoral desensitization. So a woman's body will respond with pleasure once again to her fingers, vibrator, partner's touch, etc.

Some express concern over introducing sex toys into their partnered sexual play. They may fear that somehow their partner will begin to prefer the new stimulation or that they'll seek to replace them with a toy of a larger size. Michael Castleman, author of Great Sex: A Man's Guide to the Secret Principals of Total Body Sex, reminds men that "even the best carpenters use power tools." Vibrators and dildos may help women orgasm or orgasm faster, or simply provide a new type of stimulation to a couple's sexual activities. Sex toys, however, can't vocalize one's desire, be emotionally supportive, hug, or kiss a partner. They are enhancements, not substitutes or replacements, that can allow one partner to please the other in a new, different, and/or enhanced way. They can't take the place of the emotional, human bond and intimacy that you and your partner share.

Normal sexual intercourse? Maybe you mean penile-vaginal intercourse, accompanied by orgasm for both, ending the process. However, what one person sees as normal sexual expression, another person may find unusual or unappealing. In addition, only about 30 percent of women orgasm through penile-vaginal intercourse alone. Because the nerve endings are in the clitoris, and not the vagina, using hands, fingers, a vibrator, or even pubic bones and hips to place pressure on and pleasure the clitoris during intercourse or sexual play increases the chance for orgasm.

Masturbation, with or without the use of sex toys, can relieve stress, teach someone about her/his body, and can give oneself and a partner another dimension of pleasure. In a healthy sexual relationship, fears about desensitization or of a partner being "replaced" by a sex toy are nothing to be concerned about. So feel free to explore the pleasures that come from exploring one's body — women can masturbate and couples can vibrate to their heart's and clitoris's content.

Alice

Choosing an Online Dating Service
by Noreen Ruth

If you're new to online dating, just the vast number of sites available for you to choose from can be daunting. To make the process easier the first and probably most important decision to make is to define exactly what you're looking to get out of a dating service. Are you looking for a lifelong relationship, a friend to share common interests, a sexual encounter or a chat buddy?

The top dating services. such as Yahoo! Personals, eHarmony and Match.com focus on one type of relationship. On these sites you know upfront what the other members are looking for when you make contact. If you are not exactly sure about your specific intentions, check out the sites that offer more than one type of relationship within the same site. Be sure you look for one that has the different communities separated so that you don't have to guess what the intentions of the poster may be.

Know Who You Want to Meet
Dating services will bring positive results only when you're able to see a mental picture of the person you would want to meet and find words to describe him or her in details that convey the traits that are most important to you. Consider not only the physical attributes of the person but their personality, lifestyle, hobbies, religious and political preferences. If there is one trait that is a 'must-have', consider searching for a dating service that specializes in bringing together people who share that common interest. The specialty dating services you can visit are as diverse as your imagination -- biker babes, vegans, pet-lovers, pagan, etc.

Site Features Make the Process Easier
Who has time to click through thousands of profiles to find the 'perfect' match? The tools that are offered on a site can make your search faster, more relevant and ultimately more fun. Matchmaking features offer you a way to 'fine-tune' your search so that you're not wading through profiles that are far from the results you're looking for. Some sites run your search on a regular basis automatically and send new prospects that meet your profile to your email. On a general dating site, you may receive several profiles each day. If, however, you opt to use a more 'serious' service (designed for people looking for a marriage partner), you may receive one or two matches a month.

Take Personality Tests As a way to help their clients learn about themselves and their potential partners, personality tests are offered. The more established sites often offer more insightful and detailed tests. The results of these tests, which are free with your membership, help to define compatible members. One thing to consider is whether the results are a good reflection of you, if so it stands to reason that the potential matches on the site will be reflecting their true nature, as well.

Check Out the Communications
Communication is the key to a great relationship. When choosing a dating service, consider what communication opportunities are included. If you're just trying out a service, you will probably be given limited ability to communicate (often limited to flirty icons and preset messages) with prospective dates to determine whether you want to continue at the next level which would require a subscription to the service. Once you subscribe, communication between members is usually with an on-site email or instant messaging. Typically, the more you pay for a service the more options will be available to you.

Entertainment Options If you're not looking for a serious relationship, there's still a place for you on many dating service websites. More and more sites are now offering chat rooms and forums to make friends. Entertainment features may also include quizzes, polls, contests, articles and newsletters.

Using the Service When Out of the Country
Established online dating services have extended their services into other countries around the world. You can connect in 27 different countries on Match.com; Yahoo! Personals has a new Canadian service. If you find yourself in another country, this service is a good way to chat in your native language.

Cost and Payment Options First look for free trials and try out all the features before committing to a service. The cost of using an online dating service is typically between $20 and $25 a month. With the cost pretty standard across the board, the value of your subscription is in the services offered that you will actually use. If you sign up for a service and don't take advantage of the benefits they offer, you're wasting your money. Look for discounts for signing up for several months or for joining with a friend. Some services accept money orders or checks, but most prefer credit or debit card payments.

More Resources
Be sure to explore the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) section of the service you're considering. Visit the site and explore the options available. Don't stick around too long, if you aren't enjoying the experience. Check out a great dating service review site, http://www.dateshowcase.com - Compare Best Internet Dating Sites.

About the Author
Whether you're experienced with online dating-- or new to the internet singles scene, find everything you need to choose the best online dating services at www.dateshowcase.com.

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