Dating, Relationships and Sexuality!: Dating and Relationships: "My Husband Wants to Have a Threesome!"

Advice Goddess: Pane and Suffering
By Amy Alkon - Contra Costa Times Correspondent

Q: Last year, I fell for this guy, "John." We hung out and flirted via e-mail, but he never asked me out. This fall, after he left on a monthlong trip, I started dating "Mike," later discovering he's one of John's best friends. Things with Mike started getting rocky. John then surprised me by e-mailing that he'd heard about Mike and me and was a bit hurt and jealous.

At Christmas break, Mike left town and John returned. John and I planned to get together, but John lives with a friend of Mike's so I had to sneak in through his window. I soon realized I had to break up with Mike. Mike was devastated, and it didn't help that I couldn't tell him why. John and I kept meeting secretly, but the guilt was getting to him, so we called it quits.

Now, I'm torn. Do I settle and give Mike what he wants (me), or wait and try again with John? Or, is it worth it to think of either of them?

A: The course of true something-or-other never did run smooth. Two people — one of whom is really kind of apathetic about the other — torn apart by fate, or whatever you call it when you rip a perfectly good pair of panties sneaking through your boyfriend's best friend's window.

Now, I'm all for people asking me for advice — especially because I'm fond of eating and my landlord likes me better if I pay my rent — but you have to come in with a bit more of a base: I'm this kind of person, and here's what I care
about, and here's how the two guys I'm considering stack up.

Probably because you lack self-knowledge and values, you're seriously considering settling for a guy. Yeah, there's a romance right out of "Romeo and Juliet": "He's here, he wants me, whatever."

Spanish philosopher Fernando Savater said one of the greatest mistakes you can make in life is being a "moral imbecile" — somebody who doesn't bother figuring out who they are and what matters to them, and instead relies on other people to tell them what to do.

When nobody's around to ask, a person like this can end up doing some really dumb things — say, climbing in a guy's window on the first date. Ever hear of bars, restaurants, coffee shops? Many people who date use them as meeting places — especially if they're women looking for more than a hookup, because guys tend to use and lose women who sleep with them on (or especially, before) the first date.

Of course, until you find it completely nuts to be with a guy simply because he wants to be with you, you're the only person you should be dating. (Maybe grope yourself at the door for old time's sake.) As you get to know yourself better, you'll get a better idea of what kind of guy is right for you.

Q: I'm 26, and I've been with my boyfriend for five years. Our relationship is great, but I keep dreaming about dating other people; no one, specifically. I just miss the butterflies in my stomach, the flirting, even stressing about what to wear. I'd be so stupid to break up with him, but I get freaked thinking of us always being together. Forever.

A: You're just a loyal, loving girlfriend who needs to find herself — in the arms of a few dozen guys who aren't her boyfriend. This seems horrible to you, but it's just the way things are when you're 26, and you've only been with one guy about since you and Bubba climbed out of the back seat at Senior Prom.

Having a great relationship isn't enough. You have to be ready for a relationship, and that takes a state of mind you just don't seem to be in. The risk is that you'd lose him forever. But, maybe it's riskier to chance waking up at 35, married, with two kids, and an unstoppable urge to try on five lipglosses before the UPS guy arrives.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com. Amy is now blogging daily at www.advicegoddess.com.

ASK ISADORA Sex Advice
By ISADORA ALMAN - Detroit Free Press

Hormone control, safe sex and marriage Rx

Dear Isadora: All logical parts of my brain right now tell me it would be best if I could stop chasing women and focus on my own life. I'm almost 24. My hormones are driving me nuts. What do you do to slow things down in your body without going bananas?

Answer: There are time-honored methods. These include exhausting yourself with physical endeavors, athletics, cold showers, and intellectual distraction. Having no sexual outlets will not kill you, however.

Dear Isadora: I'm a 60-year-old woman, single for most of my life. I have a terrible time trying to get the men in my life to wear a condom. They're able to get an erection, but lose it when trying to put a condom on. It's very frustrating because they get upset with me.

Answer: It's very common for men of all ages to wilt when putting on a condom. After you have helped him put it on, continue touching, kissing, talking. It will return as sure as the swallows do to Capistrano. It's best to let a prospective partner know early on that condoms are a requirement for you. If they get upset or blaming, consider dating younger men who usually are more used to condoms as a necessary fact of life.

Dear Isadora: I've been doing this online dating thing for a while. My wife and I have discussed getting a divorce; meanwhile we're still living under the same roof. I can't afford to pay for two households right now. I've met a few nice people with online dating, some even in person. No sparks. I know I don't want to be alone for very long when I finally end the marriage completely. I also fear, as my wife has warned me about, that I may not find any better relationship than what I've got.

Answer: What you have clearly isn't very satisfactory. I think you need to either spend some real energy on trying to fix whatever is wrong in your marriage or resolve that you will be alone for a while when it's over. Being on your own is not the end of the world and is a necessary step in reviewing your previous bad choices, understanding them, and resolving not to make the same ones again. You are unlikely to find a better relationship unless and until you do.

ISADORA ALMAN, author of "Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex," is a board-certified sexologist and licensed psychotherapist. You may write to her at ialman@freepress.com.

Ask Deanna! Real People, Real Advice
Posted by Deanna M. - canyonnews.com

Ask Deanna! Is an advice column known for its fearless approach to reality-based subjects!

Ask Deanna! can be heard every Sunday on KTYM AM 1460 at 3:00 p.m. in Los Angeles, CA.

Dear Deanna!

A good friend and I became lovers and our friendship was ruined in the process. I had high hopes that our friendship was strong enough to bear any storm. Before we started dating I was with someone else sexually. I became pregnant and thought I was certain who the father was. We were all shocked when the paternity test indicated a third man in my life. I am torn inside, have lost my best friend and become a single parent. How can I at least get my friendship back?

Tammie Richmond, VA

Dear Tammie:

You have made a mess of your life and blazed a trail of destruction. You should be embarrassed and ashamed of yourself with your recreational sex and loose morals. Your friendship was lost the moment you became intimate and completely killed it with your pregnancy. Right now your focus is required to raise your child and get yourself together. If your friendship is meant to be then your pal will return. If not, learn from your silly mistakes, grow up and keep it moving.

Dear Deanna!

I’m a newlywed and I feel depressed now that I’m finally married. It seems as if the excitement is gone and my husband is different than when he was a boyfriend. He always tells me that he gave me what I wanted and to move on to something else. The dates, gifts and spontaneous things have disappeared and it feels like I got a lot of work in return. Is this normal for a new bride or am I setting my expectations too high?

Sad New Bride Oklahoma City, OK

Dear New Bride:

You wanted to be married when you wanted to be married and your boyfriend went along with your demands to make you happy. Instead of pressuring him, you should’ve let things flow and allowed him to get comfortable with the idea before taking the leap. You can renew the spark in your relationship by taking the lead with creativity, a lot of love and focus on goals and the future. Keep your husband involved and you’ll see him coming around slowly but surely.

Dear Deanna!

My girlfriend of two years destroyed me. I learned that the entire time we were dating she was seeing someone else. For a year she has been trying to pressure me into marriage but I wasn’t ready. She ended her relationship with me and a few weeks later announced she was getting married. I see the things she wanted and I’m willing to look like a fool to get her back. She tells me that I blew my chances. I feel desperate and want to know is there anything I can do to get her back?

Sean Memphis, TN

Dear Sean:

Instead of being a pathetic beggar open your eyes and see that your girlfriend was a cheating two-timer. She played games with two men and chose the one that would marry her. You can look like a fool if you want but if she cheated on you with another man once, she’ll do it again but next time things may be worse. You shouldn’t allow a woman to have this kind of power. Get yourself together, hold your head up and work through your pain and wait for the lady that’s meant for you.

Sexpert Answers Northwestern’s Coital Questions
By Alex Jud - northbynorthwestern.com

Students entered their sex questions anonymously. Screen shot of northbynorthwestern.comWhether it’s orgasms, sexual dysfunction or that line between “friends with benefits” and “significant other,” Northwestern students have lots of questions about sex.

According to sex therapist Emily Harrell, a Northwestern graduate school alum, despite Northwestern’s often dismal dating scene (or seeming lack of one at all) there are students somewhere on-campus who want relationships. Harrell presented surprising statistics, helpful tips and expert answers to a group of around 20 Northwestern students on Friday.

Students received a lesson in sexual geography and effective pillow talk as Harrell’s Q&A session rounded off Sex Week 2009 on Friday at the Technological Institute. Attendees were schooled in everything from the secret to finding the G-spot to avoiding awkward mattress mambo conversations. The organizers of Sex Week joined efforts with North by Northwestern to find out students’ top concerns about relationships, intimacy and sexuality, encouraging anonymous submission of students’ most private questions online.

“The entire question and answer session on sex was entertaining and awkward at the same time,” Weinberg sophomore Chelsae Johansen said. “I learned some interesting information, like the extreme extent to which one’s state of mind is important during intercourse.”

Harrell, who works at the Berman Center in Chicago (headquarters of Oprah’s renowned sexologist Dr. Laura Berman) says the most common problems she encounters include are lack of desire in women, orgasm difficulty, pain with intercourse and a need to spice up things up the bedroom.

For those students who chose Friday’s beautiful weather over their own sexual curiosities, or for those who feel more comfortable taking a Chemistry exam in Tech LR2 than learning about chemistry in bed, here’s a condensed version of Harrell’s answers to Northwestern students’ questions:

Q: How early is too early to have sex in a relationship?

Audience responses: “When it feels right,” “After the third date — but people don’t date here anymore,” “Well, it’s hooking up first, and then a relationship,” “It varies.”

While this topic has undoubtedly been beaten to the ground, Harrell revealed some surprising statistics and advised the group to make a few important considerations before going all the way. Though she said the final decision depends on the person you’re going to be intimate with and your comfort level, you should think about your feelings towards the relationship and your expectations and try and make sure your bed buddy has the same expectations. She cautioned students to never assume that the other person is thinking the same thing because it can lead to regret. The number of people who regret their first time, according to Harrell: around 80 percent. She also reminded the group of the risk of attachment as well as the more obvious risks of pregnancy and STIs. “In an ideal world, I think that it would be too early to have sex with somebody if you didn’t know that they didn’t have any STDs or if you weren’t prepared to take the risks to contract it,” she said.

Q: Have there been any studies or research on the idea that if you hook up with someone too soon, they won’t necessarily be interested in continuing the relationship?

Drawing on her clinical experience with patients of different belief systems, values and thoughts, Harrell admits that this situation could go both ways. “If you hook up with a partner who believes that someone who would hook up with him on the first date would be somebody they couldn’t consider a long-term partner, then, yes, you might be jeopardizing that possibility. But then there are definitely instances where the passion is high, the chemistry is high, you feel really connected, and that’s why you’re so ready and eager to be intimate physically, and those relationships can end up in marriage as well, or long-term relationships,” she said. Harrell predicts that as this new approach to getting acquainted with a potential romantic partner continues to become the norm, we’ll be seeing more relationships actually becoming long-term as a result of hook-ups than there used to be.

Q: For once and for all, does the G-spot really exist? What positions maximize your G-spot stimulation?

Harrell confirms that the G-spot does indeed exist, and is located about one to two inches back from the vaginal opening inside the front vaginal wall and up towards the belly button. She explained the “come hither” motion for G-spot stimulation. She warns students not to freak out if they suddenly have the urge to urinate, which is an indication that they might be close to having a G-spot orgasm. Prime positions for achieving G-spot stimulation: woman-on-top, rear entry and the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT).

How to Teach Teens About Sex
By SAM CARLISLE - thesun.co.uk

FROM the moment they are born, your child taking more than its teddy bear to bed is a prospect most parents dread.

However helping your teenager through this difficult time is something a responsible parent needs to face up to and to help you bite the bullet, here is our guide to handling that topic you have been dreading.

1. Sex - the topic

It’s inevitable. At some point your kids will have sex ... and will probably continue to do without very much regard to you!

As a parent it is easy to live in denial about your child’s sexual behavior but that isn’t really very helpful.

It is a fact that sexually ill-informed teenagers experiment at a much earlier age. Don’t be scared and be prepared!

2. The Conversation

Remember you are the adult so it is down to you to bring the subject up.

Your teenager is going through all sorts of changes physically and will be subject to real and imagined peer pressure so you have the chance to be the voice of reason in an otherwise confusing situation.

Clues that they will be looking for your help are sustained silences and suspicious looks whenever their boyfriend or girlfriend’s name is mentioned or if you find that your child initiates an unexpected conversation about their relationship.

If you are getting the silent treatment try using an opening line such as ‘I wondered how things were going with your boyfriend/ girlfriend? It is important to me that you are happy and safe – can we talk about anything that is bothering you?’

Don’t expect that they will suddenly open up to you immediately but probe gently and if you still get nowhere, end by saying ‘I understand this is a hard topic for us to discuss but if you feel you want any advice or help, please just let me know. I’d like to help and I can be surprisingly reasonable.’

This should leave the door open for them to come back to you when they are ready.

Whatever situation you find yourself in make sure you pick a time and place to talk when you know you won’t be interrupted and there are no other demands on time for either of you.

This is an important issue and it is only fair to your teenager that you give them the attention they deserve.

3. Control Yourself

This takes several forms. Whatever happens don’t share tips, techniques or memories. This is the fastest way to ensure your child NEVER raises this subject with you again.

The prospect of you ever having had sex is the most horrendous thing for your child to contemplate – don’t make them have to confront this thought! Ever!

The other thing to avoid is being outraged; your child’s decision when to have sex and with whom is ultimately their own choice – and unless they are too young or their choice of partner is, there is little you can reasonably do about it.

This may well go against your religious or moral views and you are entitled to lay down ground rules about whether they can have sex in your house ... but if you react dramatically to your child being honest with you, then you run a very real risk of them never confiding in you again on this subject.

Equally, don’t underestimate the power of peer pressure on teenagers; your son or daughter may not actually want to sleep with anyone yet but they worried sick they are the only person on the face of the earth not having sex.

In this case they are looking to you to tell them to wait a bit longer and reassure them that there are plenty of other young people who feel the same way.

4. Being Practical

Unless you and your child are ok about a teenage pregnancy and its implications, make sure contraception is fully available and properly used by your kids.

You are likely to be far more concerned if you have a daughter than a son but if your teenage boy is having sex then you should make him aware that it is not risk-free and comes with responsibilities.

5. Pregnancy and STI's

Your daughter may well be on the pill but these days avoiding getting pregnant is just one aspect of teenage sex.

A recent statistic suggested that every 5 minutes a young person in the UK is diagnosed with Chlamydia.

STI’s are rampant amongst the under-25’s and contribute significantly to infertility. A lot of young people’s sexual encounters are pretty unplanned which makes the chances of them using a condom remote – and makes the chances of catching an STI very high.

It may have been difficult talking to your teenager pre-sex but finding out they are already sexually active can be even harder.

Regardless, if they have had unprotected sex, they really need to get tested, so informing them of their options is vital.

GUM clinics and the local GP’s will both provide a free testing service but if the prospect of this is too awkward, use an online service such as theSTIclinic.com.

There is a small charge for a range of STI tests, which are based on urine samples undertaken by post, but your child can be registered, tested and treated within a week.

Finally, remember, talking about sex is a much bigger deal for your child than it is for you. Being approachable means listening to them whilst showing them love, respect and trust. Good luck!

AmeriMark Direct is a leading direct marketer of women's apparel, shoes, name-brand cosmetics, fragrances, jewelry, watches, accessories, and health-related merchandise.

Rowan Pelling's Sex Advice Column: Should I Indulge My Husband's Threesome Fantasies?
By Rowan Pelling - dailymail.co.uk

The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions...

QUESTION: My husband and I have always had an adventurous love life, and he has often told me that he fantasises about having a threesome.

I have never minded entertaining this idea as a fantasy, but recently an attractive divorcee has moved nearby and it is clear she is flirting with both of us.

My husband has started hinting that this is just the scenario he has always dreamt of, but I feel acting on this woman's signals might destroy our relationship.

Three's a crowd: There may be trouble ahead if you agree to a threesome

ROWAN SAYS: Are you insane? It's one thing playing with fire, quite another to pour petrol all over your soft furnishings and light a match.
Let me tell you a cautionary tale. The wife in a young London couple I know invited a single female friend of the family to join them in a spot of 'one-off' experimentation.

The wife congratulated herself on being so cosmopolitan and open-minded, having finally 'lived out my wildest erotic dream' - until she discovered, a year later, that her partner and the singleton had been having a passionate love affair ever since.

The man's simple logic was that since his spouse had sanctioned the first clinch with this single woman, the subsequent trysts did not qualify as proper infidelity.
In a love triangle someone's nearly always frozen out on the edge of things.

It takes a rare person with an exceptional lack of sexual jealousy to tolerate another person entering the sacred space of their own relationship - and most people simply aren't wired that way.

Furthermore, Pandora's Box, once opened, is near impossible to close. What other fantasies will need to be ticked off the list if you indulge this one?
There's nothing in your letter to suggest you have any bisexual leanings or any desire to go to bed with a woman, which a threesome of this nature clearly entails. So the only reason you could possibly consider going ahead is simply to indulge your other half.

Now, regular readers of this column will know I'm all in favour of giving husbands due care in the bed chamber (i.e. I don't think women offend feminist principles by donning stockings and sexy lingerie, just as I don't believe a man is emasculated by performing lavish foreplay).

But there are still limits as to what you should do for your spouse, quite frankly. There's a reason why people use the word 'fantasy' for a realm of desire outside their actual experience - there are many things we can easily entertain in our imaginations that we could never ever cope with in real life.

For example, many women fantasise about being abducted by a handsome stranger who has his wicked way with them but, obviously, if this happened in real life, it would be a terrifying assault.

The power of many erotic fantasies is drawn from the precise fact that they are verboten.

What really interests me about your letter are your reasons for even entertaining the suggestion, when it is clearly not a shared fantasy. It smacks of insecurity, rather than sexual generosity.

You talk about having an 'adventurous sex life'; do you fear you will suddenly be deemed square if you decline one of your partner's more outrageous suggestions?

If your husband truly loves you, he will honour your limits and respect you for voicing them.

However, my guess is that you think your partner has a wandering eye and that if he's going to sleep with someone else, you'd rather it was right under your nose - preferably with someone you had hand-picked.
The problem with this scenario is the potential outcome I outlined in my cautionary tale.

When I was editor of The Erotic Review, I was once asked by a celebrated writer with a notoriously roving eye if I would like to take part in a threesome with him and his girlfriend.

Not only did the proposed liaison come somewhat lower down my list of priorities than darning socks, I could see that the poor girlfriend acquiesced only to the arrangement as a way of keeping the terminal strayer within her sights.
But, as I've already suggested, a man who has been allowed to sleep with another woman finds it easy to believe that it's not really being so very much more unfaithful to sleep with her again in the privacy of a hotel.

Meanwhile, the woman who's been invited into the sanctity of a married couple's bedchamber may well feel that she's not really being so immoral if she carries on the intrigue with one of the partners.
My advice to any woman who is asked by her partner whether she'd consider a threesome is to say brightly: 'What a splendid idea! What man were you thinking of asking?' That usually shuts them up.

Can Anyone Relate?
afterellen.com

I know this is extremely long. I wrote it maybe to be used as a resource for someone who is just starting to come out. Maybe you can relate to it. Tell me what you all think. Does anyone have a similar coming out experience?

My story:

When people ask me when I came out or when I realized I was gay, I don't know what to say. There was a moment when I thought, "okay, I'm gay" but I consider that the time when I accepted my sexuality, not the time I came out, not to myself at least.

I've realized that my entire coming out process can be described with one word: denial. Even when I first started having crushes on girls, I knew they were crushes. I knew they were gay crushes. I freaked out. As I was growing up, my parents weren't extremely homophobic but they never talked about gay people. I always knew it was a topic that made people uncomfortable. I was a very gay child. I went through a period when I hated Barbies and dressed in boy's clothing. I hung out with mostly boys. My mom asked me once if the reason I was like this was because I liked girls. In my confused, 9-year-old mind, I asked myself, "Do I like girls?" then I responded with, "No". It wasn't a lie. Girls had cooties, of course I didn't like them. Most girls didn't like boys at that age either. So then my mom assumed I would grow up to be straight.

The red flag popped up when I was twelve. I had little girl crushes in the past, but I didn't think anything of them. In the sixth grade, girls started to like boys. I always said I liked boys, and would pick a random boy to "like," but usually they were just boys I thought looked cool, maybe boys I could be friends with. I thought this was normal. I didn't know what it felt like to lust after boys because I always lusted after girls. I guess my straight friends in my grade lusted after boys the same way I lusted after girls. I fell hard for a girl in my grade and went through a roller-coaster of emotions about her. I knew it was taboo to talk about anything gay, and I didn't know why I felt the way I did towards her. I felt like a stalker, a pervert. I wanted to change it. I vowed to myself not to think about her, that didn't work. So then I decided just not to let anyone know I had feelings for her or any other girl. Ever. I thought maybe these types of crushes would magically disappear one day. I thought if I pretended to like guys and got a boyfriend, I'd be able to make myself like him. I thought a guy would sweep me off my feet like in all those Disney movies. I thought like this for a very long time but it never happened.

I started falling for more and more girls. Hiding it began to get much easier. I enjoyed having crushes on girls. I just didn't talk about them. I would pick boys to pretend to obsess over while I was really obsessing over girls. These secret crushes were fun, but sometimes overwhelming. I would get depressed because I felt so abnormal. I thought there was something psychologically wrong with me. The only gay people I knew of were boys. I knew lesbians existed, but I had never met one. I thought it was just not an option for me. I already got made fun of for other things, and I thought if anyone found out I liked girls, it would be the end of me. I thought nobody would talk to me and I'd be labeled as the "school weirdo". I probably would have been. My school was not the most tolerant place. So, I just considered myself a freak and got really depressed sometimes. I felt like I didn't belong. The person in my mind was a totally different person than the one I portrayed.

In 8th grade, one of my best friends told me she was bi. I was really happy. Then that summer I babysat for a lesbian couple from Colorado. The world became more gay-friendly. But I still tried to convince myself that I was straight. When I got to high school it took me awhile to figure things out. I dated a boy named Peter because he had a mohawk and I thought it was cool. I had pretended to like guys for so long that I actually thought dating a guy would turn me straight. I forced myself to have a crush on Peter for almost a year, but when I finally started dating him, there was no excitement. I loved having him as a friend, he was really fun to talk to, but that was all. I remember our first kiss. It was a little exciting because I always wondered what it felt like to be kissed, but I was disappointed. I thought it felt kind of gross and boring. I avoided making out with him most of the time. We were not intimate at all and I didn't care. I really didn't want to be. I am amazed that we dated unhappily for almost two years. The reason I didn't break up with him was because he was a safety blanket. I knew as long as I dated him, people would consider me straight no matter how gay I acted. People would think, "oh, she's dating a guy, she's not a lesbian". I still crushed on girls the whole time I was dating him.

After I broke up with him, I dated another guy. Same situation, except I broke up with him after two weeks. I dated a few guys after that, but each time I realized there was nothing there. About a year ago, I decided, there's no use trying to fight it: I'm gay. I looked up some resources on the internet and stopped suppressing my gay feelings. I let myself think "oh, she's hot" and I stopped letting myself be ashamed of my crushes. Two months later, I came out to two or three of my friends. After that, more people found out through the grapevine or through me. A lot of people know now and everything is fine. Even my mom knows. I'm making progress. I finally feel like myself and feel comfortable in my own skin. If I could give advice to someone who is coming out, I would say don't ignore your feelings because they won't go away no matter how hard you try to make them. You're just wasting your time by denying it. Being out is much more pleasant.

‹ I have the BEST PARENTS EVER! Coming Out...to my Lesbian Mom ›
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Submitted by Ch.49er. (50 posts)on April 19, 2009 - 5:02pm.
TAGS :: Coming Out

hmm:)
Submitted by Kokkovirsi (117 posts)on April 19, 2009 - 6:46pm.
humm, have to think it through more -- *edit*

Login or register to post comments Hi, I can really relate
Submitted by RD (12 posts)on April 19, 2009 - 6:32pm.
Hi,

I can really relate to most of your story except for the dating boys bit. My safety blanket was keeping a bit of weight on therefore no one would ever want me. I came out to my friends a couple of weeks ago but not my family yet. I have to say I never truely understood the feelings I've had all these years, I never knew if I was gay or just defensive of men all the time. (I used to just say they can't be trusted and I don't want to be hurt- stuff like that). Your story really reached out to me and will for so many others so thank you for posting it.

A new friend came into my life two years ago and told me she was gay, like you I never knew any lesbians before that so I really didn't have anything to go by. I've spent so much time listening to her and her experiences and it's because of her that I felt comfortable in coming out. We have alot of mutual friends through work and they all accepted her coming out as if it was no big deal. So far the people I have told have all been great and accepting I'm just so afraid of that one rejection that will put me back under a rock.

Anyway I don't want to take away from your story as I really enjoyed reading it and it's thanks to all the fab girls that use this site as I don't feel so alone anymore. I know if I have any questions or worries to just post them here and all will be answered. SO THANK YOU ALL.

Good luck in your future quest for a soulmate as now you know who you are that special person is one step closer to finding you.

RD

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Hey there. Best of luck to
Submitted by Ch.49er. (50 posts)on April 19, 2009 - 6:41pm.
Hey there. Best of luck to you and your coming out journey. I am delighted to know that my story reached out to you. :-)

That was my intention in posting it. I looked on afterellen for guidance when I started coming out, and I figured I could try and contribute too.

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Thanks again, Keep up
Submitted by RD (12 posts)on April 19, 2009 - 6:49pm.
Thanks again,

Keep up the good work.

RD

Login or register to post comments wow
Submitted by Devin (30 posts)on April 19, 2009 - 6:50pm.
you that was kind of amazing. i can relate to the whole disney thing... actually the whole thing, cept my parents.
Login or register to post comments I've also thought about the
Submitted by Jay Tee (11 posts)on April 19, 2009 - 6:57pm.
I've also thought about the Disney thing. But as time passed, I figured it wasn't so much I wanted to be swept off my feet, I'd rather do the... sweeping? I'm actually really impressed that despite all the thoughts that are going through your head, your mom knows and you're fine with that. That's really amazing since I can't seem to find that "okay" with my parents yet. I still haven't told them. Thank you for sharing. :)

Login or register to post comments probably
Submitted by lolligagin (37 posts)on April 19, 2009 - 6:57pm.
one of the best posts ive read in a while :)
Login or register to post comments about denial
Submitted by Caffinated (15 posts)on April 19, 2009 - 7:45pm.
Although it was long, I read it all :)

I am totally able to relate to this. As a child I was so potentially gay. Resfused to wear pink, favoured Action Men over Barbies, played softball and soccer, more guy friends than girls, 'idolised' Xena (haha) but as I grew older I realised that these weren't the 'social norms' so I supressed myself and lived in a bit of denial for a long time. Even when I realised what I was feeling, I felt wrong and sick (just my opinion at the time) Lesbianism was something I was afraid on, on the basic level tha A) I didn't know any and B) I just didn't understand it! I even attended services in the school Chapel every couples of days to stop myself thinking about a girl - plan FAILED because it turned out she was in the choir. So then I gave up and started going to Chapel for different reasons HAHA. I did try dating guys, but it rarely went past second or third dates. I always felt really mean letting them down :( but it's not what I wanted.

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Submitted by Laura (2 posts)on April 19, 2009 - 8:23pm.
I can relate! Unfortunately I grew up in a religious and homophobic environment. When I was 12 I knew I had very strong feelings for my best friend. I didn't realize what truly meant. As time went on I dated boys because I thought it was the right thing to do. I enjoyed spending time with them but never really enjoyed the sexual parts. I just thought that was the way it was. Then I had my first experience with a girl. It was so intense. I felt crazy, scared, and liberated at the same time. I still continued to date men on and off for a long time. I just could not admit to myself that I was gay. I thought if I dated enough men my feelings for women would go away. As I got older I became comfortable in my own skin. I moved out and started to get into the "lesbian culture." I realized that conforming to what other people want me to be is the worst thing for me and anyone in my life. It's dishonest, boring, and isolating. I wish you luck!

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Submitted by Ali (102 posts)on April 19, 2009 - 8:54pm.
To the beginning of your story. I though grew up in a semi- religious and homophobic environment (mostly from my mom and my family in the south). When I was in kindergarten I was friends with all guys but few girls and I had short hair and dressed in guyish clothes, I was a tomboy. I did not have any crushes on these boys but I had a crush on my only friend that was a girl, Raven, what a cool name. But I did not accept it at the time. When I started elementary school, I started to hang out with more girls but when they started having crushes on boys, I did what you did, I just thought of a guy who was cool and nice and would have a "crush" on him. That's how it was until the end of middle school. During that time, I had a huge crush with my best friend but she was straight and I still could not accept who I was so I "ignored" it. And I still had more crushes on girls during that time. Now I don't know how to talk to a boy, I have been in an all-girls catholic high school for too long, lol. Nontheless I still came out at highschool and it wasn't terrible but my the crush on my ex- best friend (who is bi) lead to problems and eventually costed our frienship. People are accepting here though but I am worried how it will be when I go to boarding school next year. Anyways, I'm glad your comfortable with yourself!!

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Submitted by JuBee (28 posts)on April 19, 2009 - 9:20pm.
I can relate to a lot of this! And it's very well-written out. Thanks for sharing :)

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Save the Date: The Serial Dater
By MATT MAIORANO and STEPHANIE NELMS - nbcphiladelphia.com

At some point in time throughout your history of dating we all have been hit by this smooth criminal. This person is part arsonist with a past of burning a lot of bridges along their way--to the point where Ex's wish something worse than death. Mixed with some traits of a thief, they master the skill of stealing hearts without any remorse for anyone but themselves—very narcissistic!

Perhaps this might all stem from their childhood where the absence of love has turned them into an addict, constantly craving attention and getting high from the instant gratification of any new prospects. Their split personality tells you what you want to hear, even though there is a hidden agenda in place.

So how do you see the red flags? How do you prevent becoming a victim again? What should you be on the look out for when it comes to profiling a Serial Dater?

Matt:

Once you figure out your own dating intentions, whether you just want to be out there and socialize or you’re looking for something long term, then you can move forward and identify this perpetrator.

Start by paying attention to the details. Your best defense is common sense—they will make mistakes.

Take mental notes. Are they repeating the same stories or constantly getting you confused with someone else? Not just calling you the wrong name, that would be too obvious, but mentioning something they thought you would know, “we've been here before, right?”

Another tell-tale sign is when you call them, you never get them on the line. Voice mail again, ugh! They're screening their calls for a reason. Serial Dater’s Rule #1: When you are on a date, keep the phone on vibrate. Well, at least that's what I've heard.

The grand daddy of all tips is if they spent the last several years on various dating Web sites, from Match to E-Harmony to Yahoo Personals etc. Without sounding like an interrogation, you both can joke about some of your dating horror stories. Then, listen up because without thinking, they may reveal a little too much information—TMI.

Now, I'm not saying run for the hills, just know what you’re dealing with. Who knows, you can possibly get into their head and have them COMMITTED.

Steph:

Before you cry wolf for being a victim of the “serial dater”, you might need to try out another form of FBI—launch that Full Blown Investigation—on yourself! Truth be known, nobody wants to fall prey to this predator, but don’t think you’re exempt from the line up just yet. Your sketch might fit the perfect description of this master mind.

Forget the idea of being able to keep the names of love interests straight, you know you’re a serial dater when you move to talk about trivia pursuit by avoiding in-depth convo about his/her family, favorite movie or hobby.

If you find yourself constantly on dating Web sites friending friends of friends you’ve never met before, but think are cute, consider yourself officially in the red zone.

Oh, and if you’ve been checking out those “how-to-become a serial dater” blogspots/Web sites, just give it up. Now you know you’ve been caught red handed with your hand in the cookie jar and are not only guilty of being a fake serial dater but also being pretty lame!

Still bragging to everyone about being an eternal bachelor/bachelorette? Get real. After you reach a certain age, eventually you have to give up the title, unless you don’t mind running the game forever.

Do you have a dating dilemma? Send Stephanie and Matt your story and questions and you may be featured on the next installment of Save the Date.

Top Sexual Fantasies
By Cory Silverberg, About.com

What themes are common in the top sexual fantasies?

There is no single list of top sexual fantasies. Every survey of sexual fantasies produces a slightly different list of top sexual fantasies. When you look at research from the 1970s to the present it seems clear that the content of sexual fantasies depends greatly on the sexual experiences of the people making the list.

For example in early lists of top sexual fantasies oral sex was frequently on the list. As oral sex has become a less “alternative” and more commonly practiced and discussed sexual behavior it is less frequently seen on lists of most common sexual fantasies.

That said, looking at research over the past thirty years there are some commonalities found on many lists.

Many people wonder if male sexual fantasy is fundamentally different than female sexual fantasy, and if you made a list of most common male and female sexual fantasies, would they look the same. Researchers disagree on this point, often based on their own theoretical orientation.

In a survey of dozens of academic research articles on sexual fantasy, psychologists Harold Leitenberg and Kris Henning found the following themes among the top sexual fantasies:

1. Having sex with your current partner
2. Having sex with a stranger or imaginary lover
3. Being forced or overpowered, or overpowering someone
4. Group sex
5. Reliving a previous sexual encounter
6. Different sex positions or locations
7. Doing things you would never do in reality

Some people might be surprised to learn that in survey the most common sexual fantasy was having sex with a partner, but when you think about it, and remember that sexual fantasies aren’t just the over-the-top dream sex you have, but include every time you think about sex and feel aroused, it makes sense that we would think more about the person we’re currently having sex with (hopefully because the sex is memorable).

Source:
Leitenberg, H. and Henning, K. “Sexual Fantasy” Psychological Bulletin Volume 117, No. 3. (1995): 469-496.

Choosing an Online Dating Service
by Noreen Ruth

If you're new to online dating, just the vast number of sites available for you to choose from can be daunting. To make the process easier the first and probably most important decision to make is to define exactly what you're looking to get out of a dating service. Are you looking for a lifelong relationship, a friend to share common interests, a sexual encounter or a chat buddy?

The top dating services. such as Yahoo! Personals, eHarmony and Match.com focus on one type of relationship. On these sites you know upfront what the other members are looking for when you make contact. If you are not exactly sure about your specific intentions, check out the sites that offer more than one type of relationship within the same site. Be sure you look for one that has the different communities separated so that you don't have to guess what the intentions of the poster may be.

Know Who You Want to Meet
Dating services will bring positive results only when you're able to see a mental picture of the person you would want to meet and find words to describe him or her in details that convey the traits that are most important to you. Consider not only the physical attributes of the person but their personality, lifestyle, hobbies, religious and political preferences. If there is one trait that is a 'must-have', consider searching for a dating service that specializes in bringing together people who share that common interest. The specialty dating services you can visit are as diverse as your imagination -- biker babes, vegans, pet-lovers, pagan, etc.

Site Features Make the Process Easier
Who has time to click through thousands of profiles to find the 'perfect' match? The tools that are offered on a site can make your search faster, more relevant and ultimately more fun. Matchmaking features offer you a way to 'fine-tune' your search so that you're not wading through profiles that are far from the results you're looking for. Some sites run your search on a regular basis automatically and send new prospects that meet your profile to your email. On a general dating site, you may receive several profiles each day. If, however, you opt to use a more 'serious' service (designed for people looking for a marriage partner), you may receive one or two matches a month.

Take Personality Tests As a way to help their clients learn about themselves and their potential partners, personality tests are offered. The more established sites often offer more insightful and detailed tests. The results of these tests, which are free with your membership, help to define compatible members. One thing to consider is whether the results are a good reflection of you, if so it stands to reason that the potential matches on the site will be reflecting their true nature, as well.

Check Out the Communications
Communication is the key to a great relationship. When choosing a dating service, consider what communication opportunities are included. If you're just trying out a service, you will probably be given limited ability to communicate (often limited to flirty icons and preset messages) with prospective dates to determine whether you want to continue at the next level which would require a subscription to the service. Once you subscribe, communication between members is usually with an on-site email or instant messaging. Typically, the more you pay for a service the more options will be available to you.

Entertainment Options If you're not looking for a serious relationship, there's still a place for you on many dating service websites. More and more sites are now offering chat rooms and forums to make friends. Entertainment features may also include quizzes, polls, contests, articles and newsletters.

Using the Service When Out of the Country
Established online dating services have extended their services into other countries around the world. You can connect in 27 different countries on Match.com; Yahoo! Personals has a new Canadian service. If you find yourself in another country, this service is a good way to chat in your native language.

Cost and Payment Options First look for free trials and try out all the features before committing to a service. The cost of using an online dating service is typically between $20 and $25 a month. With the cost pretty standard across the board, the value of your subscription is in the services offered that you will actually use. If you sign up for a service and don't take advantage of the benefits they offer, you're wasting your money. Look for discounts for signing up for several months or for joining with a friend. Some services accept money orders or checks, but most prefer credit or debit card payments.

More Resources
Be sure to explore the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) section of the service you're considering. Visit the site and explore the options available. Don't stick around too long, if you aren't enjoying the experience. Check out a great dating service review site, http://www.dateshowcase.com - Compare Best Internet Dating Sites.

About the Author
Whether you're experienced with online dating-- or new to the internet singles scene, find everything you need to choose the best online dating services at www.dateshowcase.com.

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